Friday, January 14, 2011

How to survive disaster in some not so easy steps . . .

I haven't posted in awhile. I know that. Sometimes I don't feel the need to post when things are content and swimming along great.

Then karma kicks me in the arse.

If you scroll down to October/November/December 2009, you will see what I went through and survived. Then I forgot and happily skipped down the trail.

Then a lump started growing on my chest wall where the surgery took place. I finally started barfing and getting really uncomfortable pain. My energy was draining and it was taking a lot out of me. I finally got it looked at.

The initial thought was that it was an abscess forming around the end of the wire that could not come out. The wire needed to come out, the surgery I was dreading, since the wire runs up from my chest, up high into my neck. There is a possibility I will lose my voice. Sounds horrible, right? Well, something inside me told me that this wasn't the worse thing that could happen. Something worse was happening.

I went into ultrasound. The goal was to drain the abscess and test the fluid. Start me on the appropriate antibiotics to fight the infection before surgery.

They could not drain the 'abscess' because it wasn't an abscess.

It was a tumor. A large one.

Six passes of a large bore needle deep into my chest later, they took all the samples they could that day.

I saw the enemy on that ultrasound and I knew the worse was happening. There was nothing I could do.

I live the best that I am able. Why weren't having seizures enough? What the hell kind of karma am I carrying around? It is barely enough to handle for one person, so I really try to carry on.

I try my best to carry on, but I have no idea what kind of future I have anymore. I have no help but me. I cannot let myself down.

I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am confused. I am lost. I am sore. I am sick. I am tired. I am scared. I am worried.

But . . .

I feel the wind. I see the sun. I love the stars. I love the moon. I have spirit. I am strength.

I understand. I love. I smile. I laugh. I taste. I feel. I have faith.

I don't know what the future brings me, but I must continue to be true to myself. Just continue as long as I can. Being me.

1 comment:

Freckles said...

I don't know what the future brings me, but I must continue to be true to myself. Just continue as long as I can. Being me.

....this brought tears to my eyes. Being you is such a genuine thing. I hope your kids snuggle around you tonight (and don't eat anything plastic!)