Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My body tells me one thing, I tell it to GTH . . .

I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling run down. Too bad.

To hell with that, I remain very optimistic.

I'm on the treadmill almost everyday and jogging up and down the hydroline trail on the way to and from work. It makes me feel great, but afterwards I feel a dull ache in my chest and am tired afterwards. Once this tumor/abscess is gone, I'm going to feel like supergirl.

I haven't got anything planned for this spring running-wise. I am registered for Ottawa Race Weekend half-marathon, but timing might not be possible, depending on when surgery is (I've been assured it's 'any day now.'

I really like that I'm still very upbeat and optimistic at my recovery. The surgeon said that the tumor/abscess is well-contained and not seeded on the chest wall, which makes the chance of spreading anywhere very remote. The cells are not malignant but the infection is the same bug as last year.

I would like to run a couple of trail races this year, but I will have to see how I recover after surgery. I'm not going to push it. It's more important to recover first.

Friday, January 14, 2011

How to survive disaster in some not so easy steps . . .

I haven't posted in awhile. I know that. Sometimes I don't feel the need to post when things are content and swimming along great.

Then karma kicks me in the arse.

If you scroll down to October/November/December 2009, you will see what I went through and survived. Then I forgot and happily skipped down the trail.

Then a lump started growing on my chest wall where the surgery took place. I finally started barfing and getting really uncomfortable pain. My energy was draining and it was taking a lot out of me. I finally got it looked at.

The initial thought was that it was an abscess forming around the end of the wire that could not come out. The wire needed to come out, the surgery I was dreading, since the wire runs up from my chest, up high into my neck. There is a possibility I will lose my voice. Sounds horrible, right? Well, something inside me told me that this wasn't the worse thing that could happen. Something worse was happening.

I went into ultrasound. The goal was to drain the abscess and test the fluid. Start me on the appropriate antibiotics to fight the infection before surgery.

They could not drain the 'abscess' because it wasn't an abscess.

It was a tumor. A large one.

Six passes of a large bore needle deep into my chest later, they took all the samples they could that day.

I saw the enemy on that ultrasound and I knew the worse was happening. There was nothing I could do.

I live the best that I am able. Why weren't having seizures enough? What the hell kind of karma am I carrying around? It is barely enough to handle for one person, so I really try to carry on.

I try my best to carry on, but I have no idea what kind of future I have anymore. I have no help but me. I cannot let myself down.

I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am confused. I am lost. I am sore. I am sick. I am tired. I am scared. I am worried.

But . . .

I feel the wind. I see the sun. I love the stars. I love the moon. I have spirit. I am strength.

I understand. I love. I smile. I laugh. I taste. I feel. I have faith.

I don't know what the future brings me, but I must continue to be true to myself. Just continue as long as I can. Being me.