Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Post ictal thoughts . . .

I have seizure. I am done. All I can think about is pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. I feel pain deep in my thoughts. I feel alone and I cannot share these feelings with anyone because no one has a scrambled egg of a mess of a brain as I have. I want to understand what is going on in a plausable way in my head, but there is no answer. All I can remember is a day I was caught in the rain and a thunderstorm trying to find a way to the hospital in North Bay when I knew I was going to have a seizure. There was no way I was going to get there in time and I could not find help on Jane Street. I ended up having a seizure on someone's porch on Jane Street, alone. In the rain - because the porch didn't provide enough shelter from the storm. No one came to the door. That is how I feel right now. Alone. Because no one can help me and sometimes I am tired of being the only one who can deal with this. Alone.
Om . . . Poor puppy Stella. She is trying to curl beside me but she doesn't understand.

PS (added later): I don't know if the above described post-ictal feelings at all, but at least it was raw and what was true at the moment it happened. Edited for frequent spelling errors. Obviously I can't spell or type after seizures.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

5 comments:

Tracy said...

Dogs try so hard to comfort us. Hugs.

Spirit Flower said...

Thank you Carrie.

I feel alone alot, just different reasons.

Running~Jordan said...

Thank you for sharing the raw-ness of your thoughts postictal.

My son had seizures from infancy until age 3/4. He knew when he was going to have them and often right after was very hazy, grouchy and sad (then sleepy).

((hugs)) to you.

Melanie said...

i remember those feelings. i felt alone too. lemme know if there's anything i can do. *hugs*

Ted said...

I hear you. In a way, I wish I could say "Beam me up Scotty" so I can be there to help/hear you out. My daughter (7 y.o) has seizure since infancy. I had no one to talk to about my daughter's seizure. I felt so helpless. I have found Melanie (who also left a comment on this one) through another blogger. Melanie has been so helpful to me. I am now seeing a counselor who is helping me to deal with my daugther's epilepsy. If you ever need to talk, my email address is Joel.Rooy@gmail.com Melanie is also terrific to talk to as well.