Thursday, December 31, 2009

On the eve of 2010 . . .

What a year and what a decade! I have to admit, despite all the hardships, I've had an amazing life - especially in the past year.

I am thankful of 3 fantastic furry daughters (one of whom is farting away right now and doesn't smell so fantastic), healthy parents, great friends, I'm running, I'm alive, I have a job and a good life right now.

I hope everyone has a great 2010 and it finds everyone healthy, wealthy (or wealthier) and wise!

Live long and prosper.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy X-Mas!

Peanut, Latte, Stella and myself wish all the readers a fantastic holiday. May all your dreams come true and I hope you have an even better 2010!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Comeback . . .

I am sloooooowly returning to pre-surgery status. Last week I ran/walked 14K. This week I ran 24K. I feel strong though and feel I could be running more, but I want to take it slow, since this would be the time I could hurt myself. Next week, the plan is in the 30K range. Also, all runs are easy for now, to get back into the swing of things.

I'm allergic to the new antibiotics, Septra, so I have to go back and might get the PICC line back in. Boo hoo. Not happy. Oh well, the sutures are out. The skin coming off the hands is gross, but what is really gross is the skin coming off the bottoms of the feet in large and thick sheets. Uggh. Think worse blisters ever. I just coat the feet in Penaten (sp?) zinc cream, wear two pairs of socks and get out there and ignore it.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Happy, happy, happy . . .

I ran today. I ran happy. I ran until I cried happy tears. People must have thought I was crazy. I am sooooo happy to be running again. Comeback, here I come.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Surgery story . . .

Surgery was December 1st. I woke up too weak to stand up for longer than 5 minutes at a time. That would make getting to the hospital very, very difficult. I had had a bad reaction to one of the antibiotics I was on the day before and I had personally stopped everything going into the PICC line. My skin was inflamed everywhere and I was a bright red and intensely itchy. I was swollen. I lay in bed that morning and put an SOS out on Facebook. Luckily, I got an answer right away from a co-worker, J that he had no problem picking me up and driving me to the hospital. Thank you J.

I get there and make it to the pre-surg clinic with a little help from some volunteers inside the hospital. I was taken into the back right away (so lucky, since I didn't have the strength to sit in a chair.) I lay in a stretcher while nurses and doctors came to look at me with pity for what was hours, but for me, was a well-earned rest. I slept a lot of the wait.

I was brought into the hall outside the OR room and met with the surgeon and his residents. They used me as a teaching example of a bad drug reaction. The anesthesia person and her medical student felt sorry for me and gave me IV Benadryl. I could not stop scratching the inflamed skin. I would have scratched more, except I would have frequent waves of weakness. Finally I was brought into the room. I could not wait to be 'put under' if only to be taken away from the torture of itching and pain for a brief time.

I woke up in the recovery room in an instant. That is what it always feels like, that you close your eyes in one second and wake up in the OR in another. The time on the clock looked like 5 hours had passed. I was spending the night in the recovery room, but I was rolled to the other side of the recovery room. I had an IV going, pumping fluid into me. I had counted 3.5L of fluid going into me during the night, but I didn't pee hardly at all. I slept rarely, and when I did, it was only for a half hour at a time. I got pain meds and benadryl every 4 hours. I texted K and she would pick me up in the morning to bring me home.

I looked horrible over the next couple of days. The drug reaction continued. My skin swollen, then shrunk as I started peeing again. Some of the rash looked permanently tattooed to my body and is still there to this day 10 days later. The top layers of skin all started falling off. I gradually started seeing my eyes again, everyday the swelling started going down and down. The weakness continued for days and just these past few days that I have started walking in the neighbourhood, 3K, 5K, etc. Hopefully, my strength comes back and I can start running again. The IV PICC line is still in my arm, but they have started me very slowly on another antibiotic and I am just nervous that I start having another reaction, or the infection comes back with a vengence.

Day by day.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Light at the end of the tunnel . . .

Surgery is now on Monday. The wires and the unit are coming out. I am so done fighting this infection. It has taken so much out of me in such a short time. I mentioned that a month ago, I had ran to and from that appointment for about 11-12K at one of my fastest paces. Today, I could hardly make it to the office from the parking lot.

I don't know how much longer I could have waited. I probably would be dead.

Monday, November 23, 2009

911 call . . .

So here's the backstory in case anyone wants to know.

I've been having fevers and feeling weaker steadily since Thursday. Saturday night, everything went to hell. I started in full rigors, shaking, clenching teeth, the whole thing. I started taking acetaminophen to try and break the fever all night and started burning up in fever. I almost considered calling 911 during the night, but I figured that if I got some tylenol in me, I could get a handle on this.

By the morning, the fever was broken and I was drenched in sweat, but got up and let the dogs up when I passed out in the kitchen. Oops! The room was still spinning when I let the dogs in and fed them from the sitting position on the floor. I got up to find the phone just in case and fell again. Oops! This time, I knew the infection was probably in my blood. I wasn't sure how much time I had to be conscious, especially if this was sepsis so I had to make a decision. Time to call in the professionals. I unlocked the front door, put the dogs in the spare bedroom, went to go lay down and called 911. They were there within the minute from what it seemed to me. I had 4 fairly good looking guys all in my bedroom staring down on me. Of course, when something like this happens, your house is a mess (more messy than usual). I was just soaked in sweat. I looked sooo sick. They took me to the hospital right away. I was in an ER bed being treated within 30 minutes of calling 911.

Tons of blood tests, wound swabs, IV antibiotic and fluids, CT and chest x-ray later, the infection has finally spread to the lymph/blood. It took awhile! Just shows how stubborn I am. I kept an infection at bay (with IV antibiotic help) for two weeks. The infection still hasn't spread to my brain or my lungs yet and they wanted to admit me for more IV antibiotics (there are no beds in the hospital so I would have spend a couple of days in the ER), but I can do this at home (hell, I do it for a living). So now, I'm giving myself the IV Vanco and the IV meropenum. Home care and the pharmacy were a little upset I was being discharged, but everything is going well so far this morning and I feel weak, but no fever. The pain is worse around the wound and the lymph nodes around it are particularly sensitive, but the T#3s are okay for now. The great thing is my surgery will be moved up and I expect a call soon.

I have a whole team of unofficial home care nurses that are hard asses on me and a few official ones. Right now, I'm just laying low and waiting. Thanks for everyone's support. I'm just planning my next training programme and readjusting my goals. I'm planning on restarting this 100 runs in 100 days starting January 1st!

I will not let this get me down!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A little downturn . . .

I was half awake with a lot of wound pain and a fever all night. I might be pushing myself a little too much. I just finished working two shifts in a row, and maybe that is not such a great idea, but it really helps my psyche with this crap. I like putting my problems on the backburner and showing myself and my co-workers that this is nothing, that I can easily deal with this with humour and ease. But today is not such a good day. I feel really, really weak and shaky after last night. I took a T#3 for the pain this morning and am hoping it is helping with the feverish feeling. I have to walk to the nursing clinic and I am hoping I can do that with stubborn pride for myself at least. I thought Vanco and doxy could kill everything driving me down right now, but I guess this infection is going to take a lot out of me. I just wish this shit wouldn't just keep happening to me. I can only take so much before I break.

I have absolutely no appetite today except for coffee.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Trying to help out Lorne & Mich!

This is for Lorne & Mich, to try and get the web bots to find their site. They raise and sell beautiful birds.

http://www.mlaviaries.com/

Check them out so the web bots will find them! Their new site isn't being picked up by search engines yet.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

This just hasn't all sunk in yet . . .

I really don't think my situation has sunk in yet. I think it sneaks in every once in awhile. I tear up every once awhile when I think about it, then I pocket it away when I realize what is going on. I try and find a way to make this all the "new normal" and take pride in making all of this just part of my everyday life. But how can you?
A picture of my new PICC line in my upper right arm.

I got a PICC line put in on Monday. Everything went fine, but I was nervous leading up to it. I had to spend most of the day at the hospital for the PICC line insertion, then going to the ID clinic for my first dose of IV Vanco and doxycycline. The IV Vanco took 90 minutes! I wish I had brought a book or something though, because the time went by soooo slowly. I have not felt like reading lately, but maybe I should start ordering some books and start on them. Home Care came and saw me and said that all my equipment would be coming to the house. It arrived shortly after I got home. Medical supplies have taken over my house. Boxes and boxes. The bags of IV Vanco have taken over the fridge. I have an annoying little CADD IV pump that is easy to use (I've already found out the code and adjusted the times), but is really a pain to lug around.

The home care nurses are supposed to come and attach the IV CADD pump, change the dressings and the idea is to leave the IV attached to the PICC line for 24 hours and it is supposed to give me my two 12 hour doses, plus a TKVO dose during the day, but I can't handle having the little blood pusher attached to me all day, so I disconnect it and flush my own PICC line so I can try and live as normal as possible. I don't think the home care nurses have a problem with this (that I have encountered so far), since they know what I do for a living and they are too busy as it is, but I am trying to work as close to the surgery date as possible (a date I have not gotten yet).

I worked one shift with the PICC line in and I gave myself the Vanco during evening shift. An arm warmer helped hide the existence of the PICC line very sufficiently. My great co-workers changed my PICC line dressing for me also.

I am really, really sad and frustrated at the fact that I had to stop running Sunday. The pain is too great and you can feel the ripping through the skin of the chest, no matter what I wear on top of it. I am replacing that with speedwalking, but it just not seem to be the same. I just hope I can start running as quickly as possible after all of this is done. I am trying to keep up my milage just the same, but of course it's going to drop from the last month (my highest month and weeks ever were just previous). I would like to keep myself above 30K no matter what.

This is how far the stimulator has come out since my last dressing change.

PS: I woke up with absolutely no pain this morning! *cross fingers, cross fingers* I can hardly believe it. It's such a beautiful day outside too. I am sooooo very tempted to disconnect myself from the IV and go for a run. Really. Later on this afternoon though, when the IV is done and my next dressing change is done, I might just get into my running clothes and do another speedwalk around the neighbourhood and see how it goes and maybe do a light jog if things remain the way they are. I am just feeling so wound up I could really use a run for sanity.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Fantastic weather . . .

It got up to 9 deg Celsius today so I had a great 9+K trail run. I wish I wasn't in so much pain though, I might have enjoyed it more. I'm going to have to take a hit and stop running trails and keep all the runs short and easy now because the pain is just too much right now.


Updated picture below. You can see the stimulator quite clearly now through my chest.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Where the runnin's at . . . .

Well, here in the middle of the sick cesspool, I tread water. I am determined to keep up the 100 day challenge (100 runs in 100 days) even through this health crisis mess that I find myself imbroiled in now. It's funny, how I look to the beginning of this blog, that my running started as a result of my last health emergency and it got me through that and made me a better person for it, and now I find running as a soliste to get through this one.

Today though, I pulled off 7+Km but I don't know how. The pain over the stimulator is insane right now. The small hole that all the drainage was coming out of has gotten bigger and you can actually see the stimulator through the hole in my chest pretty clearly. I don't know if the pain if from the drainage or the hole actually ripping, but it pretty much stops you in your tracks when you are running. Everything is pretty much bundled up pretty tight on my chest so there is no "bouncing" to aggravate the stimulator area, but I think the stimulator is doing its own bouncing in there in amongst its pool of filth that it is festering in. Uggh.

I promise to myself though, that if I do finally break this challenge, that I pretty much have to be dialing 9-1-1 while doing it. I have ran myself to the ER before though!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The New Verdict . . .

Went to see the Infectious Disease clinic guys and had an awesome talk with the MD there. I am to have a PICC line started on Monday first thing, get my first dose of Vanco, and get set up by the home care nurses bing, bang, boom. I will give my own doses, but I think they just want to arrange for my dressing changes and supplies.

The plan is to be on IV vanco and po doxy for two weeks, have the surgery to remove the stimulator but save the leads, go without the stimulator for about a month and continue with the IV meds, get reimplanted with the stimulator, continue with the IV antibx, until officially clear. That is awesome!


Here is the newest pic (warning to Joanne at this point . . . . )

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Verdict . . .

Well, the VNS is infected. There is a pocket of infected buggy fluid around the VNS. I get to see the Infectious Disease team the first thing next week to talk about nuking the bugs and the VNS will 99% have to come out. Actually, I was told the thing was coming out, but I am holding on by my fingernails that it might get to stay in, but I won't be taking any chances anyway. I will have to get a PICC line and get IV antibiotics until that can happen and afterwards. I am really hoping at least the wires can be left in an an attempt at a reimplantation can be made somewhere down the line, but this all doesn't look good and I might have to accept that.

It was the worse news possible I could hear. I am actually taking it as well as can be expected, because I am trying not to look down the line at my future. One step at a time is all I can take right now.

I am sooooo grateful for the support of my family and friends. It takes some of the everyday stressors that you have to worry about with such a burden so much easier. I won't have to worry about Peanut, Latte or Stella or anything like that.

I plan on working right through the PICC line and antibiotics crap, but I obviously will not be able to work after the surgery and the post op period. Hopefully, I can get back ASAP after that post op stuff is over (I am hoping 4 weeks, but they let you back after 6 weeks). but that might not be up to me. I really hate how Occ Health would want to keep me out longer.

My running milage this week has been fantastic. I've been under so much stress since this has started and running long has really helped the stress and thinking about everything. I hope I can continue running for as long as possible, but I don't know how much I will be able to do after the surgery. I will probably keep up with walking though, until cleared for running.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Another update . . .

So the below pictures with an explanation of what has been actively going on these past couple days was e-mailed to my doctor (the great one) and he answered me right back, telling me I needed an urgent neurosurgery appointment right away and he'd get back to me. I knew this was coming, but when the sudden realization of what was going on came upon me, I got all shaky and felt sick to my stomach. I then went for a run.

Running is great. It was in the rain and almost soul cleansing. Unfortunately, when I came back, I get a voice mail saying my doctor wanted me to report to ER right away and I was to have a neurosurgery appointment (with a different surgeon than the first one) on Friday. Things are finally moving fast, but it is very overwhelming and I am not handling it very well. I have decided not to report to ER tonite, but will first thing in the morning. I have theatre tickets for tonite and we are going out to dinner and I want to have fun and forget this stress first.

VNS update . . .

Gross . . . its so crappy when you're own body grosses you out. The ulcer over the stupid VNS on my chest has broken over a slight amount and there is this beautiful drainage coming out of it. Lovely. I'm totally disgusted with it. It just makes me sick to look at it that it has come to this. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and my jaw was clenched together so hard, my jaw felt sore. I wondered what would have done that, since pain usually does that and I figured I would have woken up to a pain that great and I woke up with just the throbbing in my chest that has been there for almost two years. Its sad that I am totally used to that pain. I wonder if that is what was the pain. I dunno.
I can't go to the doctor right now. I have no one to look after the dogs. I have to work. I have to run. And now this thing has chosen the most content I have been in a long time to attempt to come out of my chest like a little alien. I am so pissed off about this. Uggh. How long can I go trying to forget this is happening to me? At least until next week? I hope I have that long.

PS: The image is not of my actual breast. This is the lump the VNS has made underneath the tissue above the breast. Its like I actually have three lovely boobs. Uggh. That is actually drainage coming from the ulcer site. It is clear (thankfully) with a yellow tinge to it (for all my nursing friends).

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Update on the VNS . . .

So where the VNS is in my chest, there is now a little ulcer directly on top of the skin above where the stimulator is coming out of the chest. The red area is larger and visibly gets larger everyday. It makes me sick just looking at it. I have a dressing overtop of it, but it now just is always throbbing. Uggh. I hope I don't have to wait much longer for this to be resolved. I also don't want surgery to interrupt my running too much. I just don't know what to do about this. I wish this did not need to happen at all. I wish it would all just go away.

H1N1 . . .

What a farce this is. The hospital is only giving out the vaccine to the ER and the ICU nurses first. They want us to go to the Public Health Units with our ID, but the clinics are closed for the day (after a disasterous opening day yesterday). What's going to happen if a third (for example) of the nurses get sick at any one time? What would happen if a tenth of the nurses get sick? We don't have the staff to cover a floor if one or two people get sick in a day. Management spent all summer in "pandemic planning" meetings? Ya, right.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Three days off . . .

I am on my first day of three days off. What a wonderful rest I'm going to have! I am working the first weekend in about two years coming up. It sounds like a nasty tradeoff, but I sometimes don't like my days off on the weekend. The grocery stores are crowded, everywhere you go is crowded, because everyone has those two days off. The nice thing about these upcoming three days off is everyone else is working. I find the hospital is very, very stressful during the weekdays, with all the patients going for tests, doctors wanting this done and that done - NOW, etc. Weekends are relaxing and easy. People tend to not come to the hospital for their issues on the weekend - they will generally leave it until Monday, especially when the weather is nice.

Today, I'm going to have my mid week longish run, tomorrow, I'm going to have a smaller distance run, then Friday I'm going to do my long run. I'm just going to do my regular run commutes on the weekend, and pick up again next week. Nice!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Zombieland . . .

I just wanted to mention a movie I saw last night that was a real fun time. Zombieland is labelled as a "horror-comedy" but the emphasis is on the comedy and the horror is just the backdrop or the situation/setting for the story. It's a movie that you start laughing in the starting credits and keep laughing on the way home. Real enjoyable. The actors are perfectly cast. The one liners are great. The story is great. Nothing too complicated, but real fun to watch.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Great trail run and shopping this weekend . . .

I was down because I was missing the last 5Peaks trail race on Saturday. It looks as if the VNS in my chest might be ripping itself from the inside out. I thought that wasn't possible, until I noticed the purple and red mark that formed after the last adhesion rip didn't go away, but started getting worse and worse and the pain is now pin-pointed right in the middle of the mark. The mark gets bigger everyday. I've been putting dressings on it just in case and I have an appointment with neurosurgery (I'm hoping it's not the original surgeon) in December. At this rate, I'm not going to be making the appointment. I'm thinking it might be a trip to emerg before then. I am not looking forward to that, but sometimes that is the way to finally get this dealt with. The consent for the surgery to fix the placement of this thing was signed almost two years ago. I need this resolved one way or the other. This is just a real painful way for it to happen.

So, I shouldn't be running on really uneven surfaces right now. I am running on streets with a chest binder to minimize pain (and it's not the most comfortable thing to run in let me tell you).

So what's a girl to do? Go trail running! To the top of King Mountain in Gatineau Park no less! I must say though, there was a lot of hiking and fooling around though. Here are some selections.
Spent some time online rewarding myself for being 25/25 in the 100 day challenge by buying some winter running gear. Got a trail tech shirt from Lulu (I got one last year and loved it so much!), a pair of their ultra tights and a ta ta tamer, got a spibelt, and a pair of microspikes and a running backpack for running back and forth to work. I don't like running with the bag I have now. It is too bouncy and doesn't distribute things well and slows me down. I'll give reviews when I try the things out.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm now a twit . . .

I'm now on Twitter as carrieruns.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tired . . .

This is the second day I've got up at 5am. Nasty. The first day (yesterday) I got up early to give another crack at early morning running. Not good. I ran out of streetlights and could only safely run 2.2K before running out of a safe running environment. I just felt it wasn't worth it. I think I'm sticking to my afternoon/evening runs. I just feel fantastic when I run at that time. This morning, I wasn't planning to run, but just got up almost an hour before the alarm went off and couldn't go back to sleep. Uggh. I can't wait until my day off tomorrow, when I can sleep in.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I've hit 1000 km . . .

I hit 1000 km run in 2009 this afternoon during a beautiful 10.72K trail run! What a great run. You can't beat running through fall colours. A lot of dogs out too.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

100 days . . .

As of today, there are 100 days left in 2009. A challenge was issued on Running Mania (www.runningmania.com) to run every day for the next 100 days at least 20 minutes. I believe that is doable, so today is the first day! I won't report on everyday, but will give updates on how I am doing. Just to update my last challenge, if you look down at the bottom of my blog page, I am almost at my 2009 goal of running 1000K! I might be finishing that goal in September! I don't know what goal to pick now for 2010, but what a change from running between 300-400K in 2008.

I might just do 2010K in 2010.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Uggh . . .

And that is my Facebook status for today.

After what I thought was a quiet couple of weeks, I have a seizure last Wednesday and one today. Uggh. Seizures suck. I actually knew yesterday that I really pushed last weekend, with running (although they were easy runs) about 19K over two days, and waking up early (for me) for the Army Run. Plumb tuckered myself out and probably brought on today's little incident. Now I feel drained and I'm trying to counteract it with coffee. It never works. Post seizure tiredness does not respond to coffee. It never stops me from trying though.

The Army Run was amazing though. I woke up a little late and I wanted to run 5K downtown to the start line for the 5K, run the 5K, then after the M&G, run home the 5K for a total of approximately 15K for Sunday. Well, I was fussing around the house for wardrobe ideas, because it was cold in the morning, and I knew it would warm up fast during the morning, so by the time I got to the Pretoria Bridge, I saw the leaders of the 5K speed past. And, of course, Colonel By Drive was blocked for the race, so I couldn't have even crossed to get to the start line. Oh well. *roll eyes* No big deal. I saw J race by and she saw me.

I finally got downtown and headed for the pre-half-marathon hoopla. Met up with a few people, saw D and A and C, and a few others. Got to watch the big cannon go off for the start. Wow, what a noise!

Met up with J and J at Starbucks and we walked up to Pretoria Bridge to see the leaders of the half come and cheered on everyone else. It was perfect weather for a race!

I found out that the article in iRun about me came out that day, and I got to see people looking through the magazine at the post-race hoopla. It was a wierd feeling that so many people were reading about an article about what I face all the time. I hope people realize that I try to make all that a small part of my life and not all of it. It's funny how I hide or underscore that part of my life with my running or social friends and now they will all know about it. I also think that I really don't "fit" in as well as running friends because I'm a beginner, and I don't have the fitness level as many of they do. Something like my health condition just separates me more. Socially, you just can't date people if they know about it, and if they do know about it, it just doesn't last long, because you gain another "mother," in my experience. Boyfriends in the past have just become too obsessed over how you are feeling, or the amount of seizures, or afraid something is going to happen. I hate that. It just makes me feel more separated and less "normal." I don't hide it in my professional life, because I do use my health experiences to understand and deal with patients to make me more empathetic towards what my patients are going through. Also, if you are open about it in your professional life, it becomes harder for an employer to discriminate against you, because everyone knows they are doing it and the employer is more aware of hiding anything that might seem discriminatory. They still do it, but just in a more underscored way.

PS: You can read the article here: http://www.irun.ca/issues/article.php?id=203&intIssueID=12#Carrie or pick up the magazine at any Running Room. I want to thank Jo-Jo for nominating me. It is a special thing to think that someone actually finds what you do to be inspiring. I guess it makes me feel all warm inside, but there are so many people that inspire me that I never really thought that other people would feel the same thing about me.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So what is new . . . mechanical difficulties . . .

Mechanical difficulties . . . how to explain? You can go back in time in this blog and find out all about vagal nerve stimulators and my ongoing problems post-op for this unit for a year and a half now. I find it hard to explain and tiring to explain constantly to people.

Please visit this site to find out more if you are interested in an explanation:

http://www.vnstherapy.com/epilepsy/patient/About_Basics.asp

The implantation of the second unit didn't go as well as the first, and it is believed that the tissue holding it in place broke or ripped, making the device slip out of place in my chest, allowing pulling on the wires that go up my neck. This has resulted in constant pain and tension up my neck from the wires and surgical adhesions (scar tissue) grow around the device and break with activity, also resulting in pain. I haven't had a lot of problems lately - it seemed I had reached a point of enough scar tissue had grown around the device to actually hold it in place for an extended period of time.

On Friday, though, I irritated the wire by patient care at work. The wire is threaded subcutaneously over my collarbone and somehow I stretched the wire and irritated it a lot. The next day, the swelling and pain was spreading up my neck and became very visible. It didn't abate all weekend. I had to call in sick on Tuesday, since the pain and swelling got bad enough to not allow me to sleep very well the night before. I thought it got better on Tuesday night and I was able to sleep. I think the swelling has gone down significantly today, so I'm not as concerned. I just have to learn to be more careful. I just hate that I have to be so careful with this implantation when I didn't have to be the last time. Scar tissue, I guess, isn't so stable and is subject to ripping.

Work is going well. I just hate that I am doing my job as best as I can and am probably doing it better than I used to with a better attitude, but I am still being judged on what I cannot help. It's not in the forefront, I just know it is happening. Paranoia? I don't think so. My next meeting to see how competent I have been this past month is near the end of September. I have done my best. I work surrounded by nurses that have less experience, less critical thinking skills, less caring, less nursing skills, less stress coping skills, less knowledge and I will still never be as good of them because I am epileptic and that is a label that sets me apart, even though it is not apparent to the visible eye and I don't work like I have any deficit at all. It just sucks.

Running is going really well. Dropping down to the 5K at the Army Run has allowed me to love just running for myself, rather than training for something. I have to learn that I shouldn't just go from training programme to training programme, that I should have space in between to rest my body and mind. It is a hobby, not a job. I like the idea just heading out, with a rough plan, and enjoying the time in my head and the space all around. Beautiful!

Thanks for all your comments . . .

Friday, August 28, 2009

Seizures suck . . .

I just wanted to say that. They just suck. Real. Bad. I wish they would just die - before they kill me. But I know they won't kill me. They will just keep me alive and torture me all my life, like pulling the wings and legs off of bugs and letting them squirm. That is kinda what epilepsy makes me feel like.

:(

Decision made . . .

I made the decision not to run the Army Half on September 20th, but drop down to the 5K. This makes me very happy. I've been really concentrating on trail running for most of this summer, with the last couple of weeks almost exclusively and it has made me quite happy. Getting back to half marathon training almost seems like a job and not so enjoyable. Since this is a hobby and something that I enjoy, why make it unenjoyable? Just go with what makes you happy, and so I am.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Holidays and trails . . .

I spent the last week in North Bay, concentrating on running trails, since they were right outside the backyard at my parents' place and the 5 Peaks race was on Saturday (today).

I had a lot of fun, but even though the trails at my parents' place were technical, they were no match for the trails at Camp Fortune. The hills! J said when racing at a ski hill, expect hills and no doubt, there they were staring you in the face when you got there. I knew this was going to be an incredibly difficult race right off the bat. And looking up that ski hill, that wasn't even the worse of it.

The first hill looked more difficult than it was. It was a steady climb at a doable angle. I was surprised I didn't burn myself out at the beginning, but I kept it slow and steady and ended up dragging up the back of the pack by the top with a few fellow stragglers (more about them later). I walked across the first bridge, as it was only a one person bridge and we were warned about bridges before the race being moss-covered. After that, you ended up under tree cover, but the climb did not end. The climb continued, on and on and on. I did walk a couple of steeper parts for only a small section, but kept on running the rest. Slow and steady was the key. Finally, a downhill stretch and I still stuck with my BOP gang and we became a team. We ran along a flat stretch of a stone road and turned what we found out was the wrong way. One girl stayed at the bottom, one climbed halfway up and came back down, and I continued up to the top of the long, long climb. When someone yelled (it ended up being the sweepers) up at us that we had made a wrong turn, I rolled my eyes and headed back down. The group ended up staying together up the switchbacks through the forest. There were endless switchbacks up and up and up. We all ended up walking most of it. The two sweepers behind us were great. Encouraging, offering advice about the trail, talking, a pair that were a lot of fun. The climb up was endless. I had started to make the decision that the halfway mark at the top of the ski hill, I was going to bail. I just couldn't see myself climbing this much over another 4 km. When we finally got to the top of the ski hill, I sat down on a rock at the water station and got a glass of water and said that I was done. No more climbing. The volunteers asked if I needed a ride down to the bottom and I said that I would walk. The sweepers said that if I was going to walk, they would walk down with me, but they were following the race trail. Then I decided, WTF, I'll finish. It became flat and downhill for a bit, and I gained a second wind, and started to run again. Awesome.

The trail was amazing. The trail was really, really technical. Probably too technical for me but did I have fun. There were more climbs after that and it was beautiful to look down from the top of the hills into the valley below. I wish I had brought a camera. When there became more downhill and flat stretches than uphill switchbacks (of which there were a lot), I started to run with more of a faster pace. It was in this area the enduro leaders were starting to lap me. They were amazing! Leaping, flying over rocks and roots. You could hear them yelling, whooping, singing through the forest (_E_, you were one of the loudest!) They were all so fun and encouraging. I fell around that area into a big lump of mud. Awesome! I was now very dirty! Trail running is so much fun! Finally I got to the downhill towards the finish line and got high-5s from people and I leaped over the finish line with flourish.

I don't know what happened to one of my BOP'ers. The one girl I saw at the end of the race didn't finish and stayed up at the water station. She didn't know what happened to the other girl either. She did say that she said she was continuing on. I didn't see her at the end, but I know from the list of finishers that I wasn't last, so hopefully, she was the one who finished behind me. She said her goal was just to finish because it was a big accomplishment for her. I agreed with her along the way but I wish we could have stayed together. The sweepers were great company and were asking about my epilepsy and the weird sounds the VNS made along the way. They started asking when my breathing started sounding horrible, and that's when they learnt about me being epileptic.

The whole atmosphere was great. I much prefer this kind of race over a big road race anyday. I will be back at this race and I plan on being at the 5 Peaks ARK race in the fall.

Dad came with me, as we drove down from North Bay the night before. He couldn't get over how much fun this race looked. He was busy telling me when so-and-so came in, or who needed first aid, etc. I have to thank him for driving me there today for sure.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Happy, Sad, and Happy Day, all in one . . .

Start with happy . . .

I had an interview today with a magazine! That is all I'm going to say about it until the article comes out. Wait for the surprise . . . if you can!

Sad . . .

I stayed home from work today because of a bad migraine that started last night. Probably because of the humid weather that moved in. It didn't really clear up until noon, but the googly, cross-eyes stayed most of the afternoon. I felt a little out-of-sorts. I kept wondering to myself if I sounded a little crazy during the said interview that I mentioned above.


The dogs and I spent some time outside and they spent most of the time in their new little kiddy pool. Everyone was having fun until Peanut started to get all lethargic and panting heavily. She had drank a lot of pool water (but she usually drinks heavily, just not often). She went to go lay down deep into the cedar hedge. I decided she must be hot and called them inside to the central air. Peanut comes in and continues to pant and circles and lies down and gets up and circles and pants, and lies down and gets up and circles . . . well, you get the picture. It didn't look comfortable. She pees on the kitchen floor (a whole lake!) while I try and get her back outside. She does the same thing outside and wants to lie deep inside the cedar hedge. Her tummy looked a little bloated, but not alarmingly so (as in bloat). She remains lethargic. I take her for a little walk around the yard. She poos. She pees. Everything is working okay. I let her inside, where the same behaviour continues and she looks like she wants to go outside again. I take her outside again. She lies in the grass in the shade. I sit in the grass beside her and give her a big hug. Please don't leave me. I don't know what I would do. Please be well. Please don't be in pain. Please let this pass. I'm not sure I can handle something like this. I'm not strong enough to deal with this. My little yellow angel, please be well. She doesn't look comfortable. I consider taking her to the vet, but I don't know for what. She is pooing, peeing, her ears pick up when I say 'supper.' She has bowel sounds. Her pulse feels normal. I dunno.

I google some signs & symptoms of the most dangerous things I can think of - like bloat. She is not displaying anything like that at this time. I feed all three dogs. Peanut cleans her bowl, and proceeds to lick clean both Latte's and Stella's bowl. We all go outside. Latte and Stella go and play and Peanut sits beside me. I give her another bear hug. Please be well. And she lets out a large burp.

After that, she seems to regain some energy. She chases a frisbee, although not in her usual competitive way. We go inside while I eat my supper. She lies on the floor without the 'get-up-pant-circle-lie-down' thing. She looks comfortable. She falls asleep and starts to fart. And fart. And fart.


Happy . . .
I have never been so happy to smell dog fart.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

August has started out alright with a fight . . .

My first long run of August (16K) was great. I kept it at a easy, comfortable pace all the way through (mostly) despite the heat, sun and humidity. I felt as if I was lagging between the 8-12K mark, but using a half gel every 25-30 minutes seemed to really help. I took only one water bottle and just stopped at corner stores and a gas station for refills.

Stella found a yellow jacket nest in the backyard in a crack in the foundation of the house (that I didn't know was there because it was below the grass). They became really aggressive and stung Stella at least 5 times at that time and Peanut at least one in the nose when she went to see what was going on. Latte stayed far, far away because she's a scaredy-cat (and might be the smarter one of the bunch sometimes). I sprayed water on them, because at the time, I thought it was a fallen paper nest somewhere, but they all just poured out of the hole and flew in an angry rage. I just threw the hose down (still running) and ran into the house.



After a Google later, I poured dishwashing machine gel (lemon fresh!) into the hole and ran water, under the theory that the smell and the soap would make them abandon their nest by the morning. Wrong. They were pissed off all night and into the next day. Yesterday and this morning, I thought I should just wait it out until the fall when they all die off and just mono-caulk the crack or call Denis to fix the crack in the foundation and then the problem would just fade away. The yellow jackets could have their space, and I could have mine.

Wrong. The yellow jackets keep going after and stinging Stella, even when she is no where near the nest. I was hanging the laundry and one started buzzing my face. I don't have an epi-pen here and that made my decision. I Googled a BBB pest exterminator (http://www.bbb.org/) and got Capital Pest Control (http://www.regionex.com/). I gave the place a call and he was here in a half hour. He bombed the buggers! The nest will be 'angry' for up to a week, and he said he would return in one week to see the state of the nest and a possible re-bombing. I have a 3 month guarantee with it for only $126 (including GST). Best money spent in a long time. Problem solved.

Now I have to figure out how I'm going to get the laundry back on the line . . .

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Finally a sunny day . . .

It has seemed like it rained every day in July. Nasty. Now, finally when it is hot and humid, I imploded on a run yesterday. I thought I had myself climatized to heat and humidity, but since it has been so long since there has been sun, heat and humidity in one shot during a run, it just drained me until I had to do a lame run/walk home the last k. UGGH. I'm going to do the same route today to see if I can improve on yesterday because I know exactly where I started to lose it. Hopefully, yesterday was just a fluke.

I was starting to think about other runners and how people impart their running philosophy on yourself. It's hard to tell people that they are wrong imposing their ideas on yourself, but what works for one person, does not work on others. The reason I started running, and the reason I keep running is not the same as someone else. I just find that long-time runners really emphasize getting faster, winning, speed and I don't think these are goals for me. Those are goals for them. My goals are simple. Keep running. Keep moving. Enjoy. Do new things. Go farther. I am not a competitive person. Maybe that is why I am more excited about the trail race in August and no longer the Army Run. I am actually more excited about the Winterman half than the Army Run, since it is more in adverse conditions.

Maybe that is why I imploded on my run yesterday. I knew this idea of other people's expectations and judgments was weighing on me during my run yesterday.

I like running with K. I didn't like running with other people before. I am slower than most runners and feel like, or am told that I am dragging the group back, but I am out there to enjoy myself just as everyone else and don't mind if people go ahead of me. But the theme of imposition of others saying 'we' are running at this pace and I should try to improve to get up to that pace. I don't enjoy running at a faster pace as of yet. I am slowly improving and I am comfortable with that. That is how you keep running. If it is no longer fun, why get out there? I am not competitive. To me, it isn't about the races, it's about the running.

That is why I enjoy running with K. I didn't think I would. She is much faster than me. But her really long runs are 10K. When we go running, I tell her to run at her own pace, and I'll run at mine. We see each other frequently, because she will stop and rest and I will slowly putt-putt up behind her and meet her. (I'm the turtle, she's the hare.) We both really love trail runs. She doesn't like running in races and it's not my favourite thing either. I think the only thing I like about races is the support on a long run and the closed off route, plus the hoopla that goes with it, and meeting other people. I hate the competitive nature of it. I hate that people can run really well and still be disappointed if they are two minutes off a goal time. It would be nice to add someone else to our small group that has the same running philosophy.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Great week overall . . .

I've run everyday this past week and had a great long run today. Yesterday, K and I had a great trail run out in the west part of the city. The trail in the south-east part of the city had some serious deer flies that basically cut our trail run short. The night before, K, S and I went out and had a great time doing a Haunted Walk of Ottawa and going to a pub afterwards. Great times! Although I was lacking energy just before I left the house for my long run today and wanted a nap, when I got out there, I felt great. I just kept the pace slow and didn't lose gas at the end. Awesome!

At work, I am finally allowed to have a patient assignment, although I still have to work with another nurse. I presented another note from my neuro and the hospital occ health doctor still had reservations about having an epileptic working as a staff nurse. I have told him over and over that I've been a staff nurse for years and it wasn't an issue before. What an asshole. Oh well, I am happy I am almost back to normal at work.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Wolf Trail . . .

K and I wanted to go on a trail run in Gatineau Park and picked, I believe, the hardest trail to run in the whole park. Wow! What a tough trail. K had it at 8.3 K on her instructions off a website and my Garmin read 7.3K (but wouldn't pick up a satellite pick up until a little bit into the trail, so it might be closer to 8K). The trail was quite boggy in places, had very steep inclines and declines, three or four beautiful lookouts, a path covered in rocks, roots and mud. There were a few little stretches where we were actually able to run, but running or hiking, we passed everyone on the trail. What a workout! I felt like I ran about 15K after that hike/run. My quads and arse are stiff and sore right now! What an adventure! I can't wait to go back.

ETA: Those Montrail Hardrocks worked like a charm. I was sticking to rocks like Spiderman!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Beautiful July . . .

I just came back from a beautiful long run down the Rideau River pathway to Hog's Back falls and back. What a great day and a great run! I have also signed up for a trail race this week and have been doing some of my week runs on some neighbourhood trails to get ready. I love running trails! I picked up some Montrails and they are awesome trail shoes.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

HOT one out there today . . .

So the new plan is to split up runs when it is really hot out there. I think it is something that is necessary at this time of the summer to keep up the mileage that I need to rebuild for the Army Half without jeopardizing my health. Running in the heat is a little scary with epilepsy, due to the dangers of dropping electrolytes/dehydration/glucose and risk of seizures and the increased dangers of hyponatremia with my anticonvulsant drugs - plus I'm not the most knowledgeable one with regards to nutrition and running. I'm trying to be, but to me, experimenting with all of this becomes a little more risky. I'm totally open to any suggestions, but the generalized advice sometimes doesn't apply to someone with my kind of issues.

I haven't had any problems as of yet, but I think being extra cautious is the best thing.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Beautiful June . . .

As the weather starts getting better and better, I like to spend more time outside. I am getting most of my runs in, but keeping them short as of right now, but am trying to work on getting a little faster.

My holidays are coming up and I am thinking of a 'staycation.' I am going to start planning out some activities to do around Ottawa that I have always wanted to do, but never had the time. Some of the best museums in the country are here and I have never been through them. I would also like to see the art gallery and go to Gatineau Park. It is still brewing in my mind and am working on the plan.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Slacker week . . .

Yesterday was another seizure. Seizures suck. They make me feel so drained and lazy. I just don't have any 'oomph' left in my body afterwards. Soul suckers.

This week hasn't been very good for running. Work, and the damn seizure have cut into my run plans. I'm planning on changing that today though.

My back hedge is getting cut down today by my neighbour. I have mixed feelings about it. On one side, my backyard privacy is getting removed and my quiet is going away. Now every time their young sons scream and carry on, its piercing sound disturbs me even more. On the other side, my backyard extends by 10 feet and the mosquitos should be reduced by a great deal now. The sun will be extended by almost 2 hours on my patio. Hopefully, the fence they are planning on building by the end of the month should take care of some of the privacy.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Great day running . . .

I just finished a great 5K run. I'm back on the saddle and loving it! It is a beautiful day here in Ottawa today and the weather is really helping my spirits. :)

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Addendum to today . . .

I just want to start off again by saying how much seizures suck. Soul-suckingly suck. Just drains everything that is good and right with the world right out of the bottoms of the feet. Get me a knife - I'm about to perform brain surgery on myself (joke - I wish it was funnier).

I feel so blah. I had a very unmotivated run. I barely made it out there. I just made a deal with myself with just going outside and doing 20 minutes. I'm just mentally blah. I don't know why. Okay, maybe I do. I've achieved this Very Big Goal, and now, my head is going - so what? I'm still in the same place I was in before. I'm not an athlete. I don't have this beautiful new life. I'm still taking all these pills. I still have seizures. Nobody is in the kitchen cooking my supper right now. A big cloud did not open up and all my problems are still in my lap. I guess the post-race let down has begun.

I also did something a little stupid. My bangs were getting a little long and I cut them (I always cut my own bangs), but I cut them so short that I look like a Vulcan now. Great. Maybe I should give Spock a call.

So my solution is just to Keep. It. Simple. If I have to, just go for a 20 minute run a day - until I get out of this funk in my head. Stop thinking negatively. Things happen. Continue on. Set new, small goals. Smile. :)

Starting out again . . .

Well, I've had a week to reflect and rest. I was going to run this week but my body kept coming up with these aches in my bones, so I took this week off. I knew I should start getting back at it when I started getting bitchy yesterday for no reason.

Monday, May 25, 2009

My first half race report . . .

Dante's Inferno, Pergatory, and Paradise - All In One Race

Preamble

I was surprisingly calm at the start line, me with my fairy godmother. Maybe I shouldn't have taken that Ativan. Nope, it's a real fairy godmother - Jo-Jo, all decked out in orange tuile, multicoloured flowers around her wrist and neck, a sparkly tiara, and a silvery streamy wand. What more could a girl want running her first half-marathon? Cynthia (Framboisine) found us in our corral (how could she not?). She was running with a bum knee and if she was going to run, she was going to be entertained.

Start Line to the Gates of Hell (Hull - however it's pronounced)

I think the start happened when the long 11 minute walk to the actual start happened. I thought everything was going swimmingly - the weather was beautiful, the temperature wasn't too bad, the company was great. The fairy godmother was blessing other runners and spectators alike. We crossed the Claudiere Bridge and Jo-Jo asked, "Is this Hull?" and then the fires from the bowels of the earth sprang forth and the baking began. Hell (Hull for the Locals) Dante had it all wrong. Hell can be only reached by crossing the Chaudiere Bridge during Ottawa Race Weekend during the Half and the Marathon. It is not composed of 9 rings of sin and fire. It is an endless array of hills and turns with relentless heat, and not a stitch of greenery to be found. It seems in fashion in Hell to grow concrete in your front lawn. You know you are in Hell when they serve petrochemicals that they call 'water' at water stations. The fairy godmother seemed at home in this place. She became bad cop while Frambo became good cop. They switched occasionally when I became incoherent in the heat of Hell. I tried to close my eyes and hoped that I would not die in this place, my body swept aside with the discarded gels and Gatorade cups. I don't think the evil fairy godmother and her partner Frambo would let me. They would just wake me out of my near death experience and make me suffer all over again.

Jo-Jo's Phrase of the Race: "I know you are hot and in pain, but I don't care, that's why they call this a race."

Purgatory

Passed out of Hell and onto the Alexandria Bridge. There was such a lovely cooling breeze coming down the Ottawa River. I wanted to stop and let it take all the heat and pain away, but my captors would not let me. The silvery wand turned into a whip and I was herded into Purgatory (downtown Ottawa). I was just happy to see a grade that could finally be catagorized as "flat" or "downhill." Maybe that gel I took in Hell (my first gel - I was that needy) finally started to work, but my legs started to find something in them again and I started into a shadow of my goal pace again. I thought I was starting to feel a little better again along the Colonel By side of the Canal. But it is Purgatory - Frambo's knee started to get aggravated again. My heart sank when I looked across the Canal and saw other half-marathoners on the Queen Elizabeth side getting close to the finish. I knew I had a long way to go until I was in their shoes. Stopped for a pee break in a portapotty just before Bronson Bridge. I thought I was going to have to call medical to get me off because my legs kept holding me down. I told my legs that Purgatory wasn't the place to stay, we had to continue. So off we went. I started to get a little fuzzy in the details after Bronson Bridge. All I remember is swearing a whole lot, with my fairy godmother and Frambo dancing ahead of me, yelling at me not to stop running. My legs told me not to listen to them, that they were silly. Fairy Godmother and Frambo told me not to listen to my legs. I was confused. They kept telling me we were almost there. I knew we were not. So confused. Legs were making sense though, they hurt! But Fairy Godmother and Frambo wouldn't hear of it. I think I hated them then. At 3K to go, I was asking anybody's god would just come and end this or make the finish line closer. Fairy Godmother and Frambo got mini cowbells and started ringing them at me constantly to keep me running. I then asked all the gods to shove those bells up their rear. Tee hee hee. Up ahead, I see what looks like the finish line. I was so relieved. Frambo decided to play bad cop and say that wasn't the finish line. I yelled **** but had little energy to make it loud enough to display my disappointment.

Paradise

I ran to the finish line. It wasn't pretty. Marg was there waiting. Everyone gave me a big hug and I think I cried for a few minutes. I then wiped my tears away, got my aluminum looking stole, received my gold spinny medal and went straight for the paparazzi.

Post-amble

A lot of thanks goes out to Fairy Godmother Jo-Jo who was ON MY @SS the WHOLE WAY. I whined and complained for a large part of that 21.1K and she didn't take it at all! Another big thanks goes out to Frambo, who stuck around for the entertainment and got it in spades! The volunteers, spectators and race organizers were fantastic!

Post Script

My dad was proud of me and said he knew I could do it, but felt sorry for the fairy godmother, because he said that 'you probably bitched and complained the whole way.' My mum has never said she has been proud of me. Not for 40 years. She just realized from my dad how far a half-marathon was. She posted this on her Facebook page that afternoon: (spelling and grammar errors left in)
My daughter who is eptilectic just ran 21.1k in ottawa this am/ am so proud of
her, yes after her operation of a pacemaker she,s been going strong

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Nicole died today . . .


It was said it was pain free and peaceful. So sad. I had mentioned her in a post somewhere below, under "Thoughts about my job . . . ".

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

4 days and counting until NCM Half . . .

It's hard to believe how far I've come since last year at this time. I started running May 29th, 2008 and I could only run one minute at a time around the block. Those telephone poles were just spaced too far. Now, a year later, I am getting ready to run my first half marathon. I am nervous because I have placed so much of myself into this goal. I know I can do it though, because I've already done the distance, and I've but 100% of the work into this goal.

Even my year goal of running 1000 km in 2009 is halfway finished. I'm less than 4 km away from 500 km. I can't wait to run the half-marathon, and continue to train for the next one (Army Run in September). Upward and onward!

Friday, May 8, 2009

May . . .

May just adds a whole different perspective on things. It is easier to leave the iPod at home when the view is blooming everywhere. My runs have been concentrated along the river because of the greenery happening everywhere and it is just so damn beautiful down there. I like running down there more than the Canal. I find there is just so much traffic down there (people and otherwise) that you can't appreciate the scenery as much. There is always a car, bike and crowd of people everywhere. The river is a lot less crowded.

The half marathon is in two weeks. Sunday is my last long run before the half. I'm confident I'm ready and I feel calm so far going in. Work on the other hand, is causing conflict within my calm inner world. Oh well, not everything can be perfect. Let's just say I would take contentment over happiness anyday. 'Nuf said.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Relief . . .

Just back from a soul-filling 13K run. All is right with the world right now. :)

Need to climb back up on the (proverbial) horse . . .

I haven't gone for a run since the last post. I think the last seizure really took a chunk out of my confidence. I need to get out there today just to get some humanity back. Seizures don't usually leave me with this much residual 'depressive' feelings because I am so used to them. I don't know why but I don't want to analyze it.

I took the day yesterday to sit outside in the sun and play frisbee with Peanut, Latte and Stella. They had lots of fun and it took my mind off of the darkness in my head. I cleaned the kitchen too, which helped. I am planning an adventure run. I am not pre-planning a route, just going out to run, do an errand, and enjoy the day. Hopefully that will bring up my spirits. :)

Thank you to everyone that left a comment. I have taken them and used them to heal what this last seizure took out of me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Post ictal thoughts . . .

I have seizure. I am done. All I can think about is pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. I feel pain deep in my thoughts. I feel alone and I cannot share these feelings with anyone because no one has a scrambled egg of a mess of a brain as I have. I want to understand what is going on in a plausable way in my head, but there is no answer. All I can remember is a day I was caught in the rain and a thunderstorm trying to find a way to the hospital in North Bay when I knew I was going to have a seizure. There was no way I was going to get there in time and I could not find help on Jane Street. I ended up having a seizure on someone's porch on Jane Street, alone. In the rain - because the porch didn't provide enough shelter from the storm. No one came to the door. That is how I feel right now. Alone. Because no one can help me and sometimes I am tired of being the only one who can deal with this. Alone.
Om . . . Poor puppy Stella. She is trying to curl beside me but she doesn't understand.

PS (added later): I don't know if the above described post-ictal feelings at all, but at least it was raw and what was true at the moment it happened. Edited for frequent spelling errors. Obviously I can't spell or type after seizures.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

17K run . . .

Sunday I ran 17K. I probably thought a year ago that would never be able to say that without lying. Well, I can honestly say I ran 17K. It's amazing how far I've come. I was sore Monday, mostly my abs and my quads, but 90% of the soreness came from my abs.

Most of the run was on the Rideau River Pathway. I'm trying to run on asphalt/pavement more than concrete sidewalks to save my legs as I get up in distance. It seems to be working, because I have more residual soreness in my legs the next day after long distances.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Quickly getting over leg injury . . .

I suffered a bit of a setback at the beginning of this week. I pulled my calf muscle in my right leg and had to rest it for a couple of days and ice it. I didn't run for 3 days because of this. I couldn't take any Advil, since I am developing a little gastritis/ulcer from all the Advil I've been taken. It didn't matter, though, because without the Advil, the muscle seemed to recover on it's own. Yay!

Had a seizure. Ho-hum.

The days are getting warmer and warmer. I can't wait to start complaining about the heat.

The days are getting closer to my first half-marathon. I am getting nervy! I can't place my finger on what makes me the most nervous about the whole race experience. I think it is the crowds. I know I can do the distance.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Disappointing long run . . .

Yesterday was a disappointing day. I ran only 15K when I was supposed to do 16K. That might not seem that bad, but the first 2/3rds of the run were right into the wind and it just sucked the energy right out of me as it continued. I just couldn't get any sort of ideal pace up. I just remained so damn slow throughout. The only time I picked up the pace was when the wind was behind me for a short 5K and by that time, I was just drained and couldn't capitalize on it at all. I am just going to be so damn slow through this race. If I keep this up, it is going to take 3+hours to complete. I am keeping up the endurance, but am not improving on speed at all.

The only thing that kept me going was the music on my iPod for the most thing. That kept me concentrating on moving forward. As soon as I lost my concentration, I was thinking about my breathing, my feet, my hips, my legs, how tired I was, etc. I also kept thinking about not running the half in May - that I wasn't ready. I'm not sure if I'm burning out, if this is just an small bump in the road, if this is physical exhaustion - I don't know. I might be overreacting. But with this half coming up fast, I should figure this out by this week. I'm running out of time.

I know I left this 'Half-marathon to complete' programme goal time up in the air; I did say I wanted to do it in the allotted time limit. I know I just wanted to complete my first half and just to think that I've been only running less than a year, but as training for this has gone so well, and I have been steadily improving - I've actually formed a goal time deep within my malformed brain of 'sub-3.' I wanted to do this first half race at a comfortable, conservative, enjoyable pace, which to me right now is 8:30/km, but this last run was horribly higher than that. I was going to concentrate on a better time for the Army Run.

I'm going to spend the next week just working hard, hitting all my runs, and reevaluate after next Sunday. If I still feel like this at the end of this week, I may make this week the cut-back week and decide that this is all mental. I know I can finish this. That is not the issue. I can run this like a zombie. It is my mental attitude I need to work on. That is my strength.

I'm going to cheer up this post with some more doggie humour. Stella ate the cord of my blender and my Nike Triax watch band this week. I haven't been using the blender this winter, but I use the blender to make fruit smoothies during the summer. I guess that is not going to happen. This is why I need to start buying cheap appliances now. The crappy thing about the Nike watch (the heart rate monitor strap is fine) is that I can't just go out and get a new band, since it is a completely single unit. I was exclusively using the Garmin now, but was using the Nike watch for work. Crap. It now has become a pocket watch. She started pooping black and was a little worried she finally ate something that caused some damage and she would cost me $$$ at the vet, but the black had red plastic flecks in it that matched the watch band. She was back to normal by the evening. Cleaning up the backyard, I found at least 5 or 6 dishwashing sponges in pieces in the backyard poo-poo mess. I ended up buying some cow leg bones at the pet food store (PetValu) which really grosses me out (I'm a damn vegetarian), but she hasn't chewed anything non-food since they were bought on Saturday. I hope that is the (gross!) solution to her driven need to chew everything in sight.

No seizures this week. Actually, I should state that no seizures got far. The stimulator took care of one. I have noticed these uncontrollable tremors of my legs and arms after that seizure that didn't go far. The pain over the surgical area has gotten a lot worse this week. The adhesions that are attached to the stimulator are horrible. My chest looks more and more malformed. I ran out of duct tape to put over it. I am afraid the pain will not go away this time or I won't get used to it again. I am trying to lay off the Advil this past week because my stomach feels gross again. It might be time to switch over to the Tylenol #1s again. I hate narcotics though. I haven't taken any lorazepam for a month either. I hate taking so many meds just to prevent seizures that are going to happen anyway. My mum and dad keeps researching epilepsy surgeries. I wish they would stop telling me about them and just understand my reason for not going through it. I guess that makes them feel better.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Thoughts about my job . . .


Today I got a nice little present from a pharmacist at work. She bought me a latte from *$ for setting up a printer on her computer at her work station. As a nurse, you have to be a plumber, an electrician, IT, McGyver, therapist, maid, cook, problem solver, saviour, etc, etc, I find. All things to all people. I just want to fix things and make people content.


I don't talk a lot about my job on my blog. Maybe in order to be sane, you have to leave everything there, "compartmentalize" the stuff that goes on there and don't bring home the drama and tragedy that numbs you to it. I don't know if that is good or bad in the long run, but it gets me through the day, and I feel I better handle it than some. I've seen what it's done to people I work with. Divorce, high blood pressure, mental problems, anger, stress, relationship difficulties. I don't want to bring it home so it consumes me and live it beyond the confined of the hospital. People should only be exposed to that kind of stress a couple of times in their lives - the death of a loved one, a close call, a serious health scare, an accident. We are exposed to this on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I've seen evidence of what it's done to me. Higher blood pressure at work, stress, anger, more seizures, lack of sleep, previous lack of care about my own health before I started taking care of myself. Running has really helped and concentrating on putting goodness and nutrients rather than crap into my body. The dogs have helped. It makes me realize how precious our human life is and how fleeting it is. We can go for an instant from nurse to patient, to deceased. How many dead peole have I talked to right before the end? How many last words have I heard? Too many.


This reflection has come from the news that a former fellow nurse much younger than myself is dying of cancer. She has two children that are so young now, that they will not remember her when they grow up. That is sad.


Something I found on Facebook:


"Patients aren't always satisfied with how well nurses communicate," a recent Medicare survey revealed. Well, nurses had no trouble communicating with me after I defended them (last) Sunday. Nurses from recovery rooms, coronary care, pediatrics, geriatrics, ER and Trauma units e-mailed me across the country. Here's what they had to say:

Come walk in our shoes for a 12-hour shift. Come see the joy, the tragedy, the comedy, the 100 ways we are pulled and pushed, then rate my "pleasant greeting", "answers call light in timely fashion", "states name of patient."Use the bathroom now, because you might not get the chance again until your shift ends.

Wear comfortable shoes. Don't worry if they're clean. They'll end up with blood and vomit on them.

We are the patient's advocate, the doctors' eyes and ears, and everyone's scapegoat. We can page your doctor but we can't make that doctor magically appear. We check your stitches, wipe your blood, drain your pus and empty your bedpan. Nursing is a tough job, but we're tougher. We've been yelled at by administrators, supervisors and doctors. We've been kicked, slapped, punched, spat on, and sexually harassed by patients in various states of delirium, mental illness, arrogance, and intoxication. We've even had chairs and food trays thrown at us. We work mandatory overtime, weekends and holidays. We eat Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with coworkers.

We deal with families who ignore visiting hours, bring food to patients on restricted diets, and insist on staying the night even though it's not a private room. We deal with the Florida son who orders us around to show a parent he's neglected for years that he cares.

We cannot be at your side every waking minute. We have 10 other patients. We cannot answer 5 call lights at once. We can't stop doing CPR on a patient because you ran out of tissues. We are not maids, beauticians, or cocktail waitresses. We are professionals with college degrees. We hate that we can't spend more bedside time with you.

Swearing at us will not make us move faster. Taking better care of your health would help. Quit smoking. Lose weight. Start exercising. Stop drinking. How do we survive? We ignore the nasty comments, the demanding relatives, the crazy staffing grids. We count to 10 before speaking. We pray every morning for strength and wisdom, patience and empathy. We drive home tired and frustrated, telling ourselves over and over, "I'm not the nurse I want to be, but I'm the best nurse the hospital staffing allows me to be." We fall asleep praying for the ones who won't survive the night. There is no finish line, ever.

Nursing is demanding, fulfilling, and we can't imagine doing anything else. Nothing beats washing blood and glass off a car crash survivor, stabilizing a broken neck, saving a diabetic's leg, keeping a cancer patient in remission. The day we send a patient home we relish the unbelievable resilience of the human body and spirit.

We did not become nurses for the hours, the salary, or the glamour of it all. We became nurses to make a difference. We don't ask for much. One sincere Thank You makes all the thankless hours worth it."


PS: I wish Nicole & her family all my sincere sympathies. I wish things had turned out better for you. You deserved better.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

No med changes . . .

I was at neuro clinic today and I don't have to change my meds at this point. That makes me happy.
Running is going well, I'm getting better and better, slow and steady.
Not much else to report. :)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Consistency is key . . .

I think the best developments in my running have come this month. I have built up to 12K with absolutely no taxing my system at all and it has come through consistency. I have stuck to the plan and haven't been missing any runs. I have also become a little more consistent in other avenues of my life - keeping my medication schedule fairly stable and eating smaller, more frequent snacks/meals. The only thing that has suffered is housework, as Stella likes to tear up paper lately. I have just resorted to cleaning one room at a time and just pick up the paper as it falls. With the snow melting and the mud being tracked in with three dogs, what's the point of mopping every day?

Speaking about the dogs - last night, while I was sleeping, the dogs started jumping around at the foot of the bed, either wrestling or fighting over spots and the foot of the bed collapsed, which led to the head of the bed breaking through the floor air vent. This woke me up in a hurry and it is just so stressful to be standing in the middle of the night, looking at the destruction that happened in just a few short moments. I tried to go back to bed on a collapsed bed, just for the remaining few hours, but I couldn't sleep on such a steep angle. I tried to put the mattress on the floor, but the steel centre bar of the bed was the only thing that didn't collapse, and this is what was keeping the mattress off the ground, but led to the mattress dipping to the right or the left if there was pressure put on those sides.

Fine. I was up. I took a nap on the couch in the living room, but was just too tired to go to work. Exhausted. Drained. Eventually, I got enough energy to tackle the bed, to see if it could be salvaged and put back together, or else throw out the bed and put the mattress on the ground. I slowly took everything apart and discovered the foot of the bed was weaker because it was put together wrong. I straightened out some of the bent bolts with a hammer, and put the bed together properly (while taking frequent rests since I was too tired to concentrate and got frustrated). After it was all together, I took another long nap.

I slept in the bed last night and everything was fine. But fighting and fooling around are no longer to be tolerated by doggies in the bed.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Wonderful run today . . .

What a great day for a run! Work was busy and quite intense today and I didn't get to leave the hospital for my run until almost 1600. Once I was out there though, the weather was beautiful and sunny, at a high of +10 C. My run was good, but my legs were still quite sore from my long run on Sunday. I felt really slow, but picked up the pace in a couple of places just to get the cobwebs off the legs. All in all, best run during work yet. The snow is melting fast. I want spring to start soon.

The pain is bad lately on my VNS surgical site. I can see a lot of adhesions that have formed and are pulling in the surface tissue. Advil and Tylenol #1s is trying to keep it at bay, but my gut hurts too. These next couple of days off, I'm going to totally lay off the pain killers and hopefully settle the stomach.

Friday, March 13, 2009

March has been beautiful so far . . .

It's been a successful month so far. I've hit or exceeded all my running goals so far with ease. Things are getting easier and my confidence is building. I ran to Best Buy today and got an iPod Nano and an iPod Shuffle today to replace my old iPod Classic 5th-generation, which died last week. I have really missed walking and running with music and everyday tasks around the house. I am looking forward to getting back into the groove.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Weight loss thoughts to date . . .

I posted something similar on my journal on Running Mania (http://www.runningmania.com) and I really should take credit for the hard work I've been putting in. I hope I can inspire others to either take up or continue improving their own health and fitness to become the best person they can be, for the benefit of themselves and others.

I am getting ever so closer to the 90 lbs lost since January '08 - right now, at 85 lbs lost. I have lost exactly 10 inches off my waist, 8 inches off my hips, and 9 inches off my chest (gulp!). The ultimate goal is Bettie Page's 36-24-36, which is the reason why I am using BPs pics as my avatar on Running Mania all the time (if anyone really wanted to know). Her weight was 128 lb, and my ultimate goal is 130 (I am also the same height that she was).

At the rate I am going, I still have a lot more work to do, but it is now nice to know that it's not just a pipe dream. The measurement I am most proud of - I have lost 17% of my body fat! No private gyms, nobody monitoring my diet, all real world, no private trainers, no TV cameras - all me, all the time. No surgery, just moving my ass - first walking, then running since last May.

The work is still ongoing. I still have a lot of work to do and it has been fun so far. I know that, along with losing all this weight and improving my fitness, I have made a positive life change and there is no going back. I just feel better - more vitality! What running does to your self-esteem is amazing! If you can complete that distance, run up that hill, there is nothing that can stand in your way!

The journey continues . . .

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

???

Could it be? Could it be that the elusive thing called "spring" might be around the corner?

I went running this afternoon and I was dressed - TOO WARM . . . could that be a sign? I also don't want to jinx anything, but on my Weather Network jiggy on my laptop, it says that Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are all going to be above zero. Wonderful!

Seizure on March 1st. Nasty one too. I blame the pharmacy for delivering my Keppra 3 days late. They always make it sound like this is the rarest drug on the face of the earth. NO ITS NOT STUPID PHARMACY PEOPLE!!! Do your job. Idiots.

Spring is coming! Everyone jump for joy!

Friday, February 27, 2009

March is Epilepsy Awareness month . . .

March will be Epilepsy Awareness Month in Canada. I am one of the 30% of patients where my seizures cannot be controlled by treatment. With epilepsy research being seriously underfunded and awareness limited, I will likely die from my condition. Please feel free to read the following facts and visit the following websites:

www.cureepilepsy.org
www.epilepsy.ca

Epilepsy Facts (from CURE)
Epilepsy affects over 3 million Americans of all ages – more than multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, and Parkinson’s disease combined. Almost 500 new cases of epilepsy are diagnosed every day in the United States. Epilepsy affects 50,000,000 people worldwide.

In two-thirds of patients diagnosed with epilepsy, the cause is unknown.

Epilepsy can develop at any age and can be a result of genetics, stroke, head injury, and many other factors.

In over thirty percent of patients, seizures cannot be controlled with treatment. Uncontrolled seizures may lead to brain damage and death. Many more have only partial control of their seizures.

The severe epilepsy syndromes of childhood can cause developmental delay and brain damage, leading to a lifetime of dependency and continually accruing costs—both medical and societal.

It is estimated that up to 50,000 deaths occur annually in the U.S. from status epilepticus (prolonged seizures), Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy (SUDEP), and other seizure-related causes such as drowning and other accidents.

The mortality rate among people with epilepsy is two to three times higher than the general population and the risk of sudden death is twenty-four times greater.

Recurring seizures are also a burden for those living with brain tumors and other disorders such as cerebral palsy, mental retardation, autism, Alzheimer’s disease, stroke, multiple sclerosis, tuberous sclerosis, and a variety of genetic syndromes.

There is a strong association between epilepsy and depression: more than one of every three persons with epilepsy will also be affected by depression, and people with a history of depression have a higher risk of developing epilepsy.

Historically, epilepsy research has been under-funded. Federal dollars spent on research pale in comparison to those spent on other diseases, many of which affect fewer people than epilepsy.

For many soldiers suffering traumatic brain injury on the battlefield, epilepsy will be a long-term consequence.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

This was so yummy . . .

Vegan Jambalaya

2 cups of brown rice
1/4 cup of wild rice
4 cups of vegetable broth
1/2 cup of dried TVP chunks
1/2 cup of vegetarian bolonaise sauce (PC Blue Menu)

Put the above ingredients in rice cooker and set to cook.

2 tablespoons canola oil
1 shallot, finely diced
2 cloves garlic, finely diced
1/2 cup celery, finely diced
1/2 cup carrot, finely diced
1 red pepper, finely diced
1 can of black beans, drained
rest of bottle of vegetarian bolonaise sauce
pepper to taste
cajun spice, to taste
tabasco sauce, to taste

1. In wok over medium heat, lightly brown shallot in oil. Add diced garlic, celery, carrot, red pepper. Cook until soft. Add black beans, sauce and spices and simmer under low heat. 2. When rice is cooked, add mixture in wok to rice. 3. Enjoy!

Makes plenty+++ Pack for lunches or dinners.

Senators game last night . . .

I went to the Senators game last night with Kelli. We had great seats - Section 101, row P, seats 15 and 16. Right behind the Senators goalie, Alex Auld. Kelli got them from her friend from her hometown, who is the Director of Communications for the Senators. Hockey is very boring on TV, but very exciting live. They have short entertainment spurts during the commercial breaks and in between periods. The arena is very impressive. I was very impressed with the building itself. I bought us two $9 Heinekens. Crazy.

Running since pneumonia is going surprisingly well. I'm picking up and adding milage like I wasn't even sick. I am not liking this little lapse back into winter though, but we are expected to get above 0 Celsius tommorrow.

Stella has been getting back into her destructive self again. I thought that this was slowly going by the wayside, but the past two times coming home from work, she has destroyed stored furnature down in the basement (which is now closed off to her) and last night she destroyed a couple of photo albums (Peanut & Latte's baby albums) and started chomping down on the TV stand. I've been coming home for lunch on 12 hour shifts (and incorporating it into a small run) to alleviate her anxiety (if that is what it is - I'm not sure it is yet) but last night I was just gone for an 8 hour shift. She is more hyper than usual lately. I really don't want to start crating her during the day when I am gone, in case that adds to her anxiety, but I soon might have too. If I leave thinking I have dog-proofed everything, she just goes for stuff she hasn't gone for before.

No seizures again since last post. I am starting to feel a little anxious myself, since it's been a little while, and I'm due. The monkey's back on my back, waiting to strike.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Running at lunch . . .

Yesterday, I got to run at lunch to home and back to work. I'll be doing this more often as the weather gets warmer around here I think, as it is a great brain refresher. It was a cold, very windy day yesterday, and I found I was walking over a few deep snowdrifts. I also should have brought a change of clothes, since I was doing a very easy jog, as not to get myself too hot and sweaty. It's nice to be running again and I seem to have recovered quite well from pneumonia without any apparent loss of fitness or energy.

I am so happy and honoured to have Jo-Jo (aka "Bunny Girl") offer to be my pacer during my upcoming goal race, the NCM half marathon. It will be quite refreshing to have her with me, since I was starting to feel increased anxiety about my first half marathon, even though it is 3 months out. I just want to have fun and get over the finish line during the allotted time. No stress involved. Once the first is over with and I know I can finish one, the second will not be so anxiety-ridden.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pneumonia update . . .

I am feeling much better today. I went to work and walked there without too much deficit. I was occasionally having productive coughs, but nothing that could not be handled. I really think I will be able to do a short run tomorrow.
In the meantime, the Blackberry went for a crap, so I need to go to the Telus store and get it exchanged. I was supposed to go to the doctor, but I don't think I'll be able to fit that in. I have to go to the hospital and get my CPR refresher course and I have a Maniac meet & greet in Kanata all tomorrow. I will not be able to do all of these things, plus my run tomorrow, since I do not drive and all of this takes time to go from one place to another. So much to do in one day and so little time!
The furnace is off and I had to call the furnace guy and am waiting for the off-hours guy to show up. Supposedly, someone is supposed to be here in 3 hours, which makes arrival between now and midnight. It is getting cold in here!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Can't believe I'm still sick . . .

This pneumonia is kicking me in the ass. I get strength one day, and then I'l laid up for the next three. I went to work a couple of days ago for the first time since I got sick, and when I got home and ate supper, I just went outside and kept throwing up and throwing up. Then, for the next day, I kept coughing and coughing (lovely chunks for all of you that love this kind of stuff) which made me quite short of breath and nauseated. I just can't catch a break. I feel better today, just drained and I have absolutely no appetite. I am a little nervous to do anything involving too much energy today, so not to start up any coughing. My boss had called and wanted me to go to a CPR refresher course, but I bailed at the last minute because I didn't want to walk over there and start coughing and barfing. All I want to do is improve and get better. I want to get some energy back. I can't live like this for another week.

On a brighter note, I ordered a Garmin Forerunner 205 today and can't wait to start running with it once I kick this pneumonia is the ass. I got a new fuel belt with it too, all from MEC (http://www.mec.ca/). The fuel belt has a double water bottle holder at the back (one for water and one for my mix of Gatorade/water) and lots of little pockets for gels, cell phone and such.

Luckily, no seizures this week.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

First run since pneumonia . . .

My stats looks horrible for the last week or so. My first run today was sad, but I ran! Had to walk a lot and cough big, giant lung cookies, but I did it! Hopefully, this is the first step to clearing this pneumonia up faster than expected. I really don't want to be coughing up crap for another 2 weeks. I want to be finished this by the end of this week. I'm so impatient when it comes to recovery from sickness!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Recovering with blog redo . . .

So I have to do something while recovering from this pneumonia (no surprise, that's what I've been sick with), so I've done some redesigning around here. Nothing fancy, but wanted to add some little do-dads here and there.
Redid the header, changed the layout, Added some permanent pictures of the girls to the side. I hope you like!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Still sick . . .

I am still sick with this horrid chest cold. I think this is the worse day yet. I start coughing and coughing, until I almost throw up. Nasty. The codeine is coming in useful today.

I haven't ran since last weekend and I haven't done any worthwhile physical activity since Monday. Blah. The body really, really wants to get out there, especially since the weather is looking more and more favourable, but the lungs have been taken over by an evil entity. I am so running tomorrow, no matter what. If I have to do 1:1s than I will. The great thing is that I have been feeling stronger and stronger with each run and have been seeing improvements lately. I am not worried falling behind in my half-marathon plan, since I changed the plan. I am presently running ahead of the plan, so the amount of runs I have missed this week with being sick is not concerning me at all. I have room to make that up. Plus, spring is going to be so encouraging to get out and run, after running in such crappy, cold weather all winter.

At least Peanut, Latte and Stella are having a good time with me being here all day. Latte and Stella are playing together more. Latte is starting to become more and more confident with playing with Stella. It's good to see. I weighed Stella yesterday, and grew a little concerned about her weight. She is at least 10 pounds underweight for a female puppy her age (and that is 10 pounds underweight of the lower end of the weight range). She is eating like a pig and she is quite active, but she does look skinny for a Lab. I would rather her be underweight than overweight, but because of her activity level, I increased her food to see if she can just add another 5 pounds to her frame. I would be comfortable with her being only a couple of pounds underweight rather than a full 10 pounds underweight.

Luckily for me, I haven't had a seizure with this chest cold. The last time I had a seizure with a serious chest cold, I got pneumonia (probably aspirational), about two years ago. That was nasty. I had to go on antibiotics and everything and almost got hospitalized. I could see why people die of pneumonia. You are so aware of every breath you take because it draws so much energy to do so. I am really pleased with the amount of seizures I have been having since December (I have only had two seizures since then). I haven't had a lot of pain from the surgical site either, but have felt the wires pull in my neck, which isn't painful, but just uncomfortable.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Added a homemade running "ticker" . . .

As I am no longer reading the volumes of novels as I was last year, I have added a "running ticker," made by me at the bottom of the page. I am still looking for a similar ticker or widget that will be this easy and uncomplicated. It will be manually updated at least once a week by moi, until I can find one that can update more easier. It's a real good excuse to post more than once a week though.
Feeling a little run down and fighting off a cold today. Called in sick to work because I have a cough and chest tightness that has taken over the upper part of my lungs and lower part of my throat. I am hoping that intense hydration and rest might fight it back, since I feel it hasn't taken hold yet.
Peanut, Latte and Stella are quite happy with me calling in sick. I, on the other hand, instead of resting, am looking at all the work I should be doing, like laundry, dishes, sweeping, tidying, . . . I am dying to run today, but that really flies in the face of resting and hydrating and helping my body fight this off. I might do some Power Yoga today.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

25 random thoughts about me . . .

25 random thoughts about me... as from Facebook:
1. I wanted to be a coroner growing up.
2. I started out university planning on becoming an environmental lawyer. I left university wanting to get into medical school, but had to wait until my health got better.
3. The last thing I ever wanted to do was nursing. I was considering engineering. Nursing was chosen because my gramma told me I was meant to be a nurse.
4. I miss my Gramma Marcotte every day.
5. I've considered ending my life several times because of my seizures when I was younger.
6. I love being alone.
7. I cannot sleep unless my dogs are with me.
8. I'm terrified of flying and of heights.
9. I love my job.
10. A doctor told me that I have a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome. I don't believe that.
11. Don't ever touch my toes. Ever.
12. I have never been in love. Ever.
13. My epilepsy controls my life more than I let on.
14. I played violin in high school.
15. My life insurance beneficiaries are my dogs. Really.
16. I cut my own hair.
17. I broke someone's heart and still feel a little bad about it, even though it was the right thing to do.
18. I didn't do my taxes last year, but I know I don't owe anything.
19. I can have surgery (a right temporal lobectomy) that might end my seizures, but I refuse on the fear I will be a different person.
20. I have a real hard time meeting new people. I feel nervous and awkward inside.
21. I have a tea cup collection.
22. I rarely watch movies. I'd rather read the book.
23. I don't believe in ghosts.
24. The idea of eating meat horrifies me.
25. I fear my parents' no longer being there for me.