Sunday, August 31, 2008

Disappointment in myself (the worse kind) . . .

I have the long weekend off. I was supposed to run at least 5K on Saturday. I put it off because my legs ache from two 12-hour shifts on Thursday and Friday. I think I need new orthotics in my work shoes. So, I figured I could run Sunday and Monday - take advantage of the long weekend.

Sunday comes (today) and I don't run. I have no excuse. I'm not busy, overtly tired, hurt, aching, injuries, no seizures, no headache, weather is fine - no excuse. I am disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than that.

Really, if you get down to the core of the disappointment, I am afraid that once it happens once, it will keep happening until I stop running all together. I love running. I love the freedom it gives me. I love the feeling it gives me. I love the sense of accomplishment it gives me. I love the knowledge that I can do anything - after a life of not being able to do so much due to epilepsy. How can I give all that up?

Tomorrow is another day. I have to just chalk this couple of days up to rest days or "mental health days" and just go back to it. How can I not? I owe it to myself to keep going.

2 comments:

Kelodie said...

I can recognize myself in your post, having experienced this feeling many times before. I'm not inside your head, but I think what you're really feeling is fear that you'll quit running and that because you missed one run, it means you're well on your way to quitting. Ask yourself "what if?"... What if you took a day off from running? What if you allowed yourself to rest physically and mentally? And ultimately, what if you stopped running? I read that you put a lot of pressure on yourself with this new running habit of yours. Cut yourself some slack and let yourself feel the love of running. It takes much more than one missed run to quit running.

All will be fine. I promise.

Carrie said...

Thank you for this. I have been thinking about this all week and what has worked is your advice. Just have fun. It brings the joy back. It comes so easy when there is no expectations. Just me.