Sunday, August 31, 2008

Disappointment in myself (the worse kind) . . .

I have the long weekend off. I was supposed to run at least 5K on Saturday. I put it off because my legs ache from two 12-hour shifts on Thursday and Friday. I think I need new orthotics in my work shoes. So, I figured I could run Sunday and Monday - take advantage of the long weekend.

Sunday comes (today) and I don't run. I have no excuse. I'm not busy, overtly tired, hurt, aching, injuries, no seizures, no headache, weather is fine - no excuse. I am disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than that.

Really, if you get down to the core of the disappointment, I am afraid that once it happens once, it will keep happening until I stop running all together. I love running. I love the freedom it gives me. I love the feeling it gives me. I love the sense of accomplishment it gives me. I love the knowledge that I can do anything - after a life of not being able to do so much due to epilepsy. How can I give all that up?

Tomorrow is another day. I have to just chalk this couple of days up to rest days or "mental health days" and just go back to it. How can I not? I owe it to myself to keep going.

Monday, August 25, 2008

My long run Sunday and suffering for it Monday . . .

I had an amazing run on Sunday. I did 9K! I couldn't believe how far I ran. The weather started out so nice. The temperature was nice, there was a nice breeze, very little humidity. I brought enough water (a 1/2 L water bottle and a 1/2 L of water with 1/4 Gatorade). I didn't start feeling uncomfortable until about halfway, when I started noticing it wasn't that nice, comfortable temperature anymore and the humidity became a little uncomfortable. The run along the river was also in the sun the whole way. My legs started cramping and stiffening up with about 2K left. I might have veered off and made it only a 7K run, but I stuck it in there and completed the run. The last 2K, I started doing 5:1's and then 2:1's the last 1K. When I got home, the temperature was 26 degrees with it feeling like 32 degrees with the humidity. I rested the rest of the day by playing with the dogs in the backyard.

Monday morning, about 2 am, I woke up feeling really jumpy and nauseous. I had a panic attack in which I think the focus of it was the upcoming 5K race. I think I was panicking about coming in last or whatever. Really, does anyone really realize what the focus of a bad dream/panic attack? I don't. Anyways, I stayed up for a little bit, playing a boring computer card game on a Palm until I felt really tired (5 minutes). When I woke up in the morning, I had a migraine and the nausea was worse. I took a Maxalt and let the dogs out, called in sick at work and went back to bed (after the dogs came back in). When I woke back up in 3 hours, the migraine was starting to leave, but the nausea was still hanging around. My legs were all wobbly. I have been trying to relax and rest all day.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Shortfalls and short falls . . .

A brief note of the past week. The "shortfall" has been my runs this week. I have been running as planned this week, but there has been a small, but disappointing shortfall each day. My tempo run was lacklustre, having not timed one lap due to a mistake, then letting myself psychologically because of that first mistake. Then, my hill repeats were lacklustre also. It was hot, but not unbearably so, and I cut myself back by one hill repeat when I knew I had it in me to do it. I have been just genuinely tired this past week. Today, it is really hot and I can't let myself down again.

The other "short fall" was at the beginning of the week, on Monday, when I tripped over Stella outside on the brick patio and cut my nose, and really bruised up my knees. I now look like I've been in a fight. Luckily, my sunglasses cover the slightly black eye and cut on the bridge of the nose when they are on.

Monday, August 18, 2008

LSD and other non-drugs . . .

My first LSD (long, slow distance) was yesterday. I did a 8K run around the perimeter of my neighbourhood. It went really well. I didn't start feeling it until I ran out of water with about 2K left. It was a hot day and very sunny yesterday and since I had not been on a LSD as of yet, I misjudged my water supply. I guess I either need a bigger water bottle or a double water bottle holder.

I felt so good afterwards. I had a lot of trepidation about signing up for that 10K run in October, but now I know I can do it. My pace throughout that 8K was not much slower than my 5K pace. I'm pretty sure I am better at long distances than shorter distances.

Stella's operation is tomorrow (getting fixed!) and I hope that goes well without any glitches. Peanut did really well and was running around in the afternoon after her surgery. Latte was really drugged up, she was allergic to the sutures, kept licking them and the wound partially opened up - which made healing slow. I hope Stella does better.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Trying on old clothes and other dramas . . .

So last night before bed, I decided to try on some of the old clothes I've been lugging around that I have been to fat to wear. I couldn't believe that I can now get into the "dream jeans" that I have been carrying around for 15 years that I bought at the Gap (when the Gap was cool), although I can't do up the zipper all the way. I must say I that was the skinniest I had been since high school when I wore those jeans. I loved those jeans so much that I had 3 pairs of the same kind (I still have all three). I put them on, and even though I feel so good to get them on, I don't think I could ever wear them outside the house because of the cut of them. They were from the early 90's! The dream jeans. The dream shattered. But the main thing is that I can get them on.

I also tried on an expensive black dress that I bought several years ago for a party that I fit into. I think it was one of the first nephrology dinners. Way too big. I could roll up a towel and put it into the bust of this dress. I have come really far. I think I have lost 5 dress sizes to this point.

Today I have to go shopping and I will be stopping at a couple of clothing stores also because some of the clothes I wear on a daily basis are becoming way to big for me. All my underwear I am swimming in. I have had to throw out several bras and I am waiting to get new ones to throw out the rest. I need to buy new workpants so I can throw out the rest, and I am going to get some new T-shirts to wear to work since some of the ones I am wearing are like mini dresses. Even some of the running bras I bought in the spring are starting to give me some slack and I will have to invest in some more (expensive!)

It is a fantastic (but expensive) thing to happen when you shrink out of all your clothes.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Today's Run . . .

I did my first hill repeats today up Smyth Road hill three times. It was intense. What a good workout. I could see why they build up strength and endurance. They also play with you psychologically by making you feel you can do anything! A couple of months back, I would quit or slow down with any sign that a run would be hard, but there was not even a thought of doing that today! What a rush. Also, when you can do hill repeats on this hill, there are no other obstacles that stand in your way.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Burnt myself on hot peppers . . . yum . . .

So I had got these organic hot peppers from Life Organic as part of my delivery (, and I had tried to roast them for supper this past weekend whole and they just were too painful to eat. Today, for lunch, I took one (raw) and got rid of the seeds and inner spine inside and cut it up small to put in my salad. After I cut it up, I rubbed my nose and neck. Well now, those areas are BURNING. I thought it was just hot, but the area on my neck is hot, red and raised. Lovely. The nose is just mildly red. Now I can honestly say hot peppers do burn your skin. They really tasted good too.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Up'ed the bar again . . .

I'm playing with fire, I've uped the bar again. Not only have I now registered for the Rattle Me Bones 10K, I've also registered for the Ottawa Race Weekend Half Marathon next spring. Now I have to keep this going! Not that I was planning to quit - I'm just keeping the intensity up all throughout the winter. I will have to ask advice on how to reliably train during the winter in Ottawa (especially after all the snow last winter). Should I have to start pricing treadmills with hill climbing programs? I really like running outside - I really find the treadmill is quite boring.

I took 2 weeks off this week and next week. Stella will have her "fix" done on the 19th of August and I would like to be home to do all the running around and making sure she recovers well. I also want to up my training again to start to increase my speed for the Army Run 5K and start increasing my distance for the 10K. The weather looks to be ideal for the next 2 weeks, so it looks like I picked the right time.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Raising the bar . . .

My Learn To Run web course through the Running Room ( is almost complete and I have been doing really, really well. I am doing about 15K a week and I've actually signed up to do a 10K run October 28th. I think it is doable. I signed up for the Running Room 10K training program, but will just follow this with my present running after the LTR course is finished so I can just complete the 10K race. If I can do this, I am supergirl! Now I am worried that if my surgery is booked within this time window, I'm going to not be able to finish 10K. Oh well, it is understandable - I'll just do the 5K race that day. I'm sure the race officials will understand.

I haven't had a seizure since the second week of July and I am quite happy about that. If I maintain this, I will be back to normal (two seizures a month). My neck and the stimulator are still really sore, especially when a patient went into flash pulmonary edema and I had to tear his shirt off to access his chest (oww - did my neck and chest feel that). Since then, the swelling has been bad and I am starting to feel the wire pull on my neck again. It can feel really uncomfortable sometimes if I think about it - but I try not to allow myself to think about it - there is too much things to do without wallowing about that. I will not allow myself to go to that place again where I feel sorry for myself and feel like a sickly little bird. I have come so far in 6 months!