Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Health Update . . .

I am still awaiting news on my second surgery. The pain has gotten worse, especially around the stimulator and surrounding tissue. My neck gets really stiff as the day wears on because the chest swelling doesn't allow for the stimulator to move anymore to give me some slack up my neck. If it wasn't for the dogs and the extra work with the puppy, and work, I think the pain would be much worse. All of that is keeping me from thinking too much about the pain. The anti-inflammatories aren't helping as much as they did earlier, but I don't like to take narcotics. The pain just seems worse after they wear off.

To be positive, I would rather have this pain than being imprisoned by multiple upon multiple seizures. I can go everywhere with the pain. The seizures keep me imprisoned physically, mentally and spiritually. I know the seizures are getting better because the amounts have settled down, but also the panic attacks have dropped off also. The new stimulator is working like I wanted it too, it just took a few months. I find my mental acuity and memory are coming back also. The reaching for/searching for words has always been a problem and continues to be so. I feel embarrassed by it alot, although I don't think people notice it as much as I think they do, but it's still there and I still feel like I have a neon sign over my head telling people I'm not 'all there.' I compensate for all my epileptic fallibilities by making jokes about it and undershooting my abilities, so if people see it, they know all failings are as a result of the epilepsy. It is not good, but is a coping mechanism that I feel has gotten me through the rough patches.

No matter how much things get bad - and they did get pretty bad this winter, in the back of my mind I always thought things would bounce back, and they pretty much have, although I have not come back 100%. It makes me think about how many lives I have left or if I will always have the energy to bounce back. I don't think I can take too many more bad spells before I pack it in.