Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Tonite, So Far

I find I can't blog on my desktop, I have to blog on my laptop. More intimate, more comfortable, less distractions, I don't know. At my desktop, I can look out the window, watch tv, the dogs bug me more, I am surrounded by all the stuff I should be doing. But using the laptop, I can bring it somewhere where there are less distractions, my studio, my bedroom, I also liked to use it in the summer in the backyard. That's not going to happen now, I'd freeze my arse - there's a distraction for ya, eh?

Peanut and Latte are taking over. I'm not sure if me being sick here at home for so long has anything to do with it. They are obviously seeing the majority of this and are concerned as much as their dog minds can understand. I know they know there is something definitely wrong, more wrong than before. Peanut never was a big listener. I think that is because she is so intelligent. She thinks that commands are optional, that they are suggestions that she'll get to when she is good and ready. Latte listens all the time and comes right away. She anticipates commands and sometimes will do something because she thinks that was what you were going to say, even though you were definitely not wanting her to do that at that time. But now they are asserting themselves more and more. Peanut trying to negotiate mealtimes WAY earlier than usual. She used to start begging for supper at 3-3:30 but would have to wait until 4:30-5. Now she is getting demanding at 1. At first, I thought this was a time change thing, but no, now she is thinking she will get away with it. They are taking the prime locations on the couch. They are taking the prime locations on the bed. I have always made them move, but now they keep pushing the envelope. I think I am the house help now.

I bought the little girls their x-mas presents today online. I call them my nieces, but they aren't really my nieces, their my cousins' children, but I like to think of them as such since that is the closest my parents and I will come to having little kids in the house. I was a big reader when I was younger (and obviously still am) and the books I loved I found online at Chapters. Oh, the Dr. Seuss books, of which if you get me started, I will still rhyme off, especially One Fish, Two Fish, or Green Eggs and Ham. I got the little baby her shower gift, but since she is being born so close to x-mas and I always thought that was so unfair in the presents for children born around x-mas, I also got her a x-mas present. I loved that little cuddly lamb that played music that I got Tracy's baby that I had to get another one.

I have my neuro appointment on Thursday, of which I will have to bottle my anger up for. I am so very angry that I have to wait so long for this surgery that will improve my quality of life so quickly. I have had to put my life on hold so many times. I tried to count how many times that epilepsy has done this, paused my life, interrupted my life, that when I come up with a number, I remember a couple more after that. These "interruptions" have led to some monumentous life changing decisions also. Now, here is my career on hold again. I wanted to change jobs at work too, like many others that I worked with for so long, and now I have to rethink that also, because who would want someone who has to take off for 3-4 months while doctors decide when they are going to fix her? School has been interrupted, university has been interrupted, I have changed jobs, changed cities, left boyfriends, had to go on sick leave 3 (I am now going to change it to 4 since I just remembered my long stint in Montreal and the Neuro Hospital) major times, all because of epilepsy. I haven't had kids because of epilepsy. I can't drive because of epilepsy. I can't travel because of epilepsy. I always thought that I was in control of my life, but it seems that I have never been in control at all. Anyone can say something positive, but flippent, like I always hear, but I guess when you have something in your brain that can change how neurotransmitters work, than that is your whole way of thinking and your life.

I just want to get back to my life, is that so much to ask?

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