Monday, November 19, 2007

Not So Good . . .

These past couple of days have been disappointing to say the least. I went out to lunch with S and did a little bit of shopping. I started to get frustrated because I was embarrassed at the way I was communicating. I am losing that and it is hard. We went to a store and I got lost in it (it was Walmart, I would probably get lost in it on a good day) but I was already frustrated at my perceived lack of communication skills, and getting lost and I couldn't find S compounded the anxiety I felt. I thought everyone was looking at me with pity. It made me so sad. I got home and started unpacking a kitchen wall clock I needed and got so overwhelmed with the whole day, I put my fist through it. Cut up my hands bad. Then I stood over the sink and cried, watching the blood stream out of my hand and down the sink. I would have stood there forever too, but the dogs started getting really upset at what I was doing. I wrapped the hand up in paper towel, took an Ativan, and just went to the couch and pretended that everything was okay for the dogs. The blood stayed there all over the sink and the floor for 24 hours. That's what I have to say. I'm starting to give up. My parents can hear it in my voice. My dad says I sound different. I was getting up early and going to bed at a reasonable time, and now I am just sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping - without taking any of the Ativan. Today I had another seizure and that seemed to snap me out of it a bit. I feel a little better (hard to believe a seizure can make you feel better). Maybe I needed to hit bottom a bit to know that I can go down farther if I don't stick with being more positive.

Maybe what is stressing me out so much is noticing how my verbal communication skills are going down the tubes so much. I can write well and type still really well, but talking and thinking and talking really take alot out of me. I just know I need this to end soon, or there is going to be some long term effects.

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