Saturday, November 10, 2007


I went to go see the neuro yesterday (it seems like last week - hard to believe it was yesterday)and he remarked on how I've declined. I told him I've lost vocabulary, memory recall, my anxiety is through the roof, hands shaking, seizures galore (23 in October, have had 5 in November already). He was asking why I was so stressed out - can you imagine, maybe I need a surgery and this will all go away! He asked if there were money issues - I said no - family issues - no - I told him I get really anxious to leave the house. Is it because you thing you're going to have a seizure outside the house? Duh! Look at the chances! I would love to take those chances to a casino! I told him I'm afraid I'm going to die. There, I said it. I'm afraid of dying before my surgery. Sad, but true. What else can I do? I'm in the same place as many others are - dying to have surgery and no way of moving up the list because I don't have an orthopedic surgery, cardiac surgery, eye surgery, or cancer surgery. Those are the priorities in Ontario now and they will use every last bed and OR space in the hospital to fulfill the provincial guidelines and the people like me can't wait another couple of months. I don't know how much longer I can hang on, but I still wait.

Peter and Robin came by today. Peter still walking stiff and in obvious pain, but looking well. Lost weight and he has become concerned about gaining it back. His burn dressing changes cause him alot of pain and his ribs still hurt quite a bit. He gets tired easily. Robin said that he was taking the two sick Marcottes out grocery shopping.

Mum is home by herself, Dad has gone hunting. She has confided in me that she thinks Dad is getting Alzheimers because he left the keys to the truck where he bought poppies and couldn't find them until the guy from the Legion brought them to him. I'm not sure if that is Alzheimers or that is Mum being funny. It's concerning though. Mum said to tell the neurosurgeon that if anything happens to me Mum and Dad will sue him! I've never heard her say anything so strong before about sticking up for me with doctors. Maybe she should come down here and hang out at their offices for me while I take an Ativan and wish to wake up when it is all over.

That reminds me . . . wake me up when this is all over. I don't want a bad dream like this again.

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