Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Big Bad Blur

The past couple of days has been a big, bad blur. I have tried not to take the Ativan as needed, like I am supposed to. It is making me into a big, uncaring robot. One minute I am having a feeling that is not contentment, then I pop a pill, then it is on to the big grey room. As soon as I see a shade of pink or green, pop another pill, then back to the big grey room. I can't do that for the unspecified amount of time (possibly infinite) that I have been given. So I was trying to eliminate stress just by behaviour, meditation, thinking clear thoughts, etc. Doesn't work, because I am convinced my epilepsy-ravaged mind is purposely stirring shit. It creates seizures just to throw off a calm situation, then threatens me with others, just to get me more upset, etc, etc. I think that the epilepsy creature is typing alot of this now.

I'll get off the crazy talk now and update. Seizures have been stirring up again and rattling the cages. I get more upset when I have one after another after another and it just feels like they will never stop until I die. My mum got worried when she heard I had just had my third seizure in a day and I thought I was awaiting my fourth (which, thankfully, didn't happen) and now I have to call her everyday between 3 and 5 pm to make sure I am okay. If she doesn't get me, she has the number for work and she will call there to get someone to check up on me. I usually find this a little offensive coming from my sometimes-overprotective parental units that are stepping over the independence I have fought hard for and enjoy, but I am really thankful for it now that seizures are now stringing together three, possibly four together. That is dangerous and something I can no longer control outcomes of. I need this surgery bad. I think I might be finally suffering some brain damage because of this.

Today there were no seizures, but the damage from the past couple of days is lingering over into good days. I am crying over no reason at all. At all! Over no thought at all. Mum is talking to me, a fairly neutral, benign conversation, and I can hardly finish it. Too emotional. She asks me what is wrong. I tell her my brain is doing this and I'm not and I can't control it anymore. I didn't take an Ativan yet, so afterwards, I got up and took a 0.5 mg. I don't know if it is emotional stress, the stress of all the seizures, the situational stress, or the brain frying. Mum asked if I would rather talk on MSN. She wants to talk in that way because she can't hear half of the conversation because she's not talking on her deaf phone anymore.

I think my dogs are taking over because they believe I can no longer do the job. Really, the only thing I can do around the house without me fucking up or melting down are cleaning, cooking simple food, and sewing and quilting. That's it. I can no longer paint, I can read but not for long periods. I can talk to people but not for long periods of time. If I have to convey important information, it has to be written down and shown to people. I can type real well still but my writing skills have gone down the toilet. Typing is correctable and has spell check but writing a list, you can see all the incomplete thoughts, shortening words into indecipherable thoughts, etc.

I'm glad for ordering online for x-mas because there would be no way I could handle shopping in a mall or a crowd right now with my brain in such a mess. I still have mum and dad to order for and they are difficult to choose for on a good day. I have some thoughts on a post it note I wrote up over a month ago when I wasn't as bad so I might go for ideas like those. If I could buy for mum what is in my head right now, I think she would think I was crazy. Roomba, that robot vacuum cleaner. I could watch that thing all day. I know dad would want a scope or a new gun but I don't think anyone would want to sell that to a declining epileptic dying while waiting for her surgery. I'll end up on You Tube.

I hope my surgery is the first week of December. I hope it goes well with no complications. I hope I turn back into my old self within a week. I hope I don't have to dip into my savings to live. I hope I am never as scared, anxious and lonely as I am now. I hope Peanut and Latte are happy. I hope I get a new puppy after all the bullshit these arseholes have put me through. I hope everyone is happy. I hope everyone finds peace and happiness. I hope I read this in a couple of months and wonder what the hell was I thinking?

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