Thursday, November 29, 2007

News today

I found out today from my neuro's secretary that my surgery is tentatively scheduled for December 18th, awaiting the word from the neuro surg. I actually found out from the neuro surg's secretary that they had tentatively scheduled the surgery for December 18th, awaiting word from the neuro. So, unofficially, it sounds like the surgery is December 18th. One hand doesn't know what the other is doing and no one wants to tell the main character - me. But, this time, both docs have a date they are planning, instead of last time, where the neuro surg had booked a date and the neuro, at the last minute, pulled out (both docs deny this is what happened, but it sounds like that is what happened from internal hospital sources that I talked to). At least they are not raising my hopes like they did last time, but it doesn't take away the guilt they must feel that this surgery should have been done in the summer at the very latest.

Peanut is doing a little better. She doesn't appear as sore as she was yesterday and the day before. When she got back from the vet, you could tell she was still drugged and lost and very sore. She moved around like a real old dog and that made me very sad because it hits you that she will not be around forever (getting a little "veclamped" as I type this). I rely on Peanut so much for moral, emotional support, I cannot begin to list the value I place on Peanut and Latte in my life. I really, truly believe that they are the reason I am still alive. The number one cause of death in unstable epileptics is suicide. The number two cause of death is SUDEP, something I am at serious risk for, as I have been told, because of my unstability, and living by myself. I really do believe that Peanut and Latte have prevented both on numerous occasions.

Back to Peanut, she is on a powerful veternary anti-inflammatory called Deramaxx for 4 weeks. It causes irritation to the gastrointestinal tract, and Peanut is sensitive to medications in the GI tract, so she has been barfing after meals. She hasn't been pooping very often either, so I halved the dose and am giving the daily dose over two meals, instead of giving the entire dose with one meal. We'll see how that goes today. I am resistant at this point to call the vet yet to change the med because she has stopped limping and has returned to her normal movement so soon after the start of this medication. She is not supposed to jump on the bed or play right now but she jumped on the bed by herself and is there right now. She looks comfortable and I am happy about that right now.

I have been having alot of nasty seizures the past couple of days, probably due to the stress I was feeling over what was going on with Peanut. I was in bed almost the whole day yesterday and most of the day the day before. I took the Ativan to head this off, but it just didn't work this time. I have been letting things go also around the house. I sometimes lose my ability to express thoughts by talking. That is scaring me the most. I am going out to dinner tonite with trusted friends from work, and if it happens then, I don't think I'll want to go out anymore until after the surgery. It's just too embarrassing.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

News from the vet

I got a call from the vet and Peanut doesn't need surgery anymore. Her knee is only partially ruptured and will need alot of rest for 4-6 weeks, and then gentle exercise. She is to be on anti-inflammatories and a special diet during this time. I pick her up at 3 pm. Latte seems lonely here with just me, but I'll be bringing her back to the vet to pick up Peanut.

I am so tired today after all this stress though. I might just go for a nap after I pick up Peanut.

Peter called, he's out for a walk down by the river near his house. He is feeling so much better and trying to get stronger. I am glad he is steadily improving. I still don't have a surgery date and haven't had a phone call, so I guess I don't exist anymore.

The next morning

Well, the alarm rang at 630 am and I now can guarantee that I will not be staying at Starbucks this morning. I am coming back home and going back to bed. Then the next call will be to come and pick up poor Peanut and that is what I'm going to do.

Peanut is a little confused, or I should say that Peanut thinks I am a little confused. She is wondering why we woke up and missed her breakfast. Latte didn't get breakfast either, so not to screw her up further. But she is definitely thinking I have lost another marble. Will be leaving soon via "Pet Taxi" so I will update later in the day.

The vet visit

The visit to the vet went better than expected. Latte knew something was afoot as soon as we went outside to wait for the Pet Taxi van. They both bravely got into the van, Peanut with adventure and Latte with trepidation, and Latte whined the whole way. I'm sure she knew where she was going.

When we got there, it took about 10 minutes to calm her down enough to get used to the place. Peanut acted like it was her office. Peanut calmly sat on the scale like a good girl, looking at all the cookies she was going to get. Latte couldn't be coaxed on the scale to save her life. A vet assistant and I had to lift her off the ground to put her on the scale. After that, she calmed down a bit. We went into an exam room and she whined most of the time. Peanut's exam showed that the limping she has been doing is her knee, she has a blown knee, ligament, whatever and needs surgery to stabilize it again or else she will be permanently lame. Since it just started last week, it seems like it was caught early. She is to get a bunch of x-rays under sedation tommorrow (big, big bucks - over 500 for the whole day - and that's not even the surgery). Both girls did very well with their needles but Peanut always puts up a fight with the bordella one (kennel cough gets sprayed up the nose). Latte took it very well.

So it is back to the vet again tommorrow for most of the day. I'm not sure if we should take the Pet Taxi there and I should just stay down the street at the Starbucks until they are done, or go home and wait for their call and go there and take Pet Taxi back. If I stay down the street at Starbucks, at least it will save on cab fare, which I should start doing since these x-rays are going to cost over 500 and the surgery is probably going to cost 1200 easy at x-mas time - I think I should stay down the street if she is going to be out around lunch. I'm already dipping into my mutual fund contributions for this year for Peanut's knee surgery. I hope she enjoys it! I'm sure she'll enjoy the morphine - it's always good. A mentioned on Facebook that it is ironic that Peanut will have her surgery before mine. It's kind of sick in a way - Peanut is my baby and I'd do anything for her, don't get me wrong. But she is diagnosed on Monday, has the diagnosis and the tests done Tuesday, and the surgery is tentatively booked for Wednesday, and will be out of the vet that evening. My battery goes dead in April, I don't get in to officially see my neuro and have diagnostic tests until June, see the neurosurgeon in July who says I am an "urgent" case, finally get a surgery booking for October, have it cancelled the day before, and am still waiting the rebooking of the surgery, while my seizures steadily increase in frequency and severity. Love it. Even my mother had her surgery for her hip replacement in this amount of time and is going to start riding horses post op in January. Have I been screwed? Yes, I know I've been screwed. But what do people care about? All you hear about are kids' diseases, kids' hospitals, breast cancer, heart disease, etc. No one cares about epileptics. No one cares and we are bottom of any list. Most of us are retarded, non-functional, unemployed, not contributing to society - so why should I have this surgery ahead of anyone else? Give all the surgical beds and surgery time to the smokers, the partiers, the workaholics, the people with poor diets, they are the productive ones. I am just one person who, on paper, looks like a waste of hospital time.

Friday, November 23, 2007

So very tired . . .

I'm getting to be like an old lady now. Went grocery shopping with S. from work, and now I have to take a nap. Got so tired, it was overwhelming. Felt like all the blood was drained from my system as I sat on the couch after shopping. I had to lie down. I'm not sure if I fell asleep, actually, I'm sure I never was 100% down for the count, but I had to lie down and relax so bad. Started to play some quiet jazz and just curled up on the bed in the fetal position underneath a quilt and mellowed out. Seemed to have helped though, because I can feel the energy returning. I'm not going to run any marathons, but I think I have enough energy now to finish up the day.

Still snowing, but determined not to shovel . . .




Ottawa got dumped on with snow all day today and it's not melting and it is still coming down. Mum e-mailed me and told me she ordered me a snowblower as an x-mas present (of which I am so grateful for) and it will be delivered December 1st. Until then, I will not shovel unless I need to get in the door, or enough so a car can just fit in the very start of my driveway. I did just the bare minimum today and why not? The snow is still coming down and it's just a waste of time. When that snowblower baby comes, I'm going to make my yard look like it has never seen snow this year (LOL).




Mum and I have a habit of telling each other what we got for x-mas way before the holiday. There is no surprise there. I love telling people early. I can't hold it in. I really don't care if people tell me or not. I just want to see on their faces if I got them the right gift or not. I really put my mind into what the person actually wants and will enjoy. I don't like to blindly go and just buy something without intently thinking about the person and what they would want or really need. This year, I got mum a really nice silver belt buckle (she competes in western horse riding stuff) with gold and ruby inlay. I got it online at some western wear store she really likes and orders from alot. She would never spend that kind of money on herself and she loves going to these horse shows and showing off her stuff. She will really love it. I was thinking about a Roomba (those robot vacuums that clean floors by themselves) after she complained about how difficult it was to do household chores like that after her surgery. I wanted one too, but then I thought about why I didn't get one and she wouldn't want one for the same reason - the dogs. Could you imagine one of those little buggers skating around the rug and what the dogs would do to it? Latte hates the vacuum in the first place and when I got the girls that Tickle Me Elmo, Peanut attacks it and Latte is terrified of it. I laugh and laugh and laugh . . .




Dad just wants stuff he wears everyday and wears out often. Every year he asks for underwear, t-shirts and socks and I am convinced after the past couple of years that that is what truly makes him happy. You buy him tools, electronics, etc. and he says they're great, but never bothers to learn how they work or just turns to his old ones anyways. This year I got him a bunch of those Cool Max undies, long johns and t-shirts for L.L. Bean. Thank Buddha for internet shopping, or else there would be no x-mas gifts this year. I'm still under "house arrest" while awaiting surgery, so this is the next best thing.




Peanut and Latte I haven't bought for yet. I haven't seen anything that really stands out. It's obviously not about what they really want. What they really want is for me to take the peanut butter jar and unscrew the lid and leave it on the floor. That would be the best x-mas ever to them - but that's not going to happen. They don't need new collars, they don't need new leashes, they don't need new bowls. They certainly don't need new toys. They have more toys than spoiled children might have. I would really have to think of what to get them. They hopefully are getting a new sister sometime in the new year, but I'm not sure if they will think that is a gift or not. Peanut loved getting Latte right from the day she walked in the door. I'm not sure what Latte's reaction will be. She is the "diva" and I'm not sure she'll be happy when it is not all about her. Peanut doesn't mind when Latte steals attention, as long as dinner is on time and she gets to be a brat every once in awhile. I'm just along for the ride and provide food, shelter, and entertainment. It will be interesting to see what a new puppy will add to the mix and what personality a new bundle of fur will have. Peanut and Latte have such different personalities, it's hard to imagine what this little thing will have.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Upcoming Humour

I just wanted to alert everyone of a funny story that will appear here next week. It might not turn out funny because I'm not supposed to be stressed out, but somewhere down the line it's going to be a funny story. Here is the background . . .

Latte is terrified of the vet. The last time she was there, I nearly asked them to sedate her just to get her out of the place. Peanut loves the vet and has absolutely no problem there. She loves them because they feed her, she parades around the place, smells everything, and acts like everyone showed up just to please her. Latte just freaks out like the world is going to end and she needs to remove herself from the place as fast as possible or she is going to blow up and she doesn't care who she takes with her. We haven't been to the vet for two years. Partially because of the last incident, and also because the rabies shot they got lasts two years. Peanut and Latte's normal vet, Dr. T, was on maternity leave last time we were there. Previous visits, she always got down on the ground with Latte and managed to make her comfortable enough to do what she had to do. The last vet that we had didn't bother to calm down Latte at all and got her more stirred up. Ever since that last visit, Latte has a "thing" about shiny, smooth floors and has "difficulty" walking over them. She didn't have this before, and since the kitchen is a shiny, smooth floor, she walks across it like she is walking on burning coals.

Their vet appointment is on Monday, this coming Monday. It is at 5 pm, so it is a slower time at the office, she is guaranteed to have Dr. T, since she will be there, and everyone at the office now knows about Latte's neurotic phobia of the vet. We will be going by PetsGo Taxi, which I haven't used yet, but hopefully that goes well. Peanut is getting bloodwork and needles and her checkup, but Latte won't be getting any bloodwork, just the bare minimum - the rabies shot and the checkup. Hopefully, that goes well enough that she won't freak out. I'm going to bring some toys and her dog blanket so hopefully that will distract her somewhat. I would love to film the whole thing to show how much she freaks out, but I am sure my hands will be full. I'm sure it will make an interesting, funny story to tell though.

Endless Frustration . . . Hope Fading Fast

Endless Frustration

So today was about trying to find out how to get paid after my sick benefits run out waiting endlessly for this surgery. The hospital sends you this package about how to apply for short term disability, and it doesn't really tell you anything at all and what it does tell you, is out of date. There is one form, that NEEDS to be filled out along with the EI package, and it isn't even included in the package. I'm going to just apply for EI because hopefully I won't be waiting for this surgery a whole year, it's supposed to be easy (I applied online - more about that in a minute) and all the pregnant nurses have to do it, so I have an idea how much I get (85% of my wage). I get a call back, saying that I got my mother's maiden name wrong. What? How is it possible that I could do that? Somewhere along the line, I have no idea, the lady on the phone said when I originally applied for a SIN card (when I was 15 which was forever ago), I wrote down her first name and not her last. I have to go into an EI office and get it changed. I told her I'm not allowed to leave my house because of my sickness, and she tells me that my claim for EI won't be able to proceed. What if I was in a coma? Hell, I'm pretty close to that now. I had to email that bitch of a lady in payroll also that her damn package looked like it was put together by monkeys (didn't exactly say that, but wanted to) and she forgot to include half the forms in this package that said they were included that NEEDED to be filled out. Hopefully, I can get an answer back to that and she can email me the forms, instead of going to the hospital to get them. I guess I have to be prepared for that, since the hospital is so unhelpful in times of need (which explains the long wait for surgery - can't find their arse with two hands). On top of all this, EI needs eventually to see a medical certificate that I am unable to work filled out by my neuro. Funny, but he has already filled out one for the hospital, which Occupational Health has. I figured, why not copy that one and send that to them. But no, that would be too logical. Occupational Health refuses to help me out on this, they said that medical certificate is theirs and I will just have to go back to the neuro and get another one filled out.

And on that medical certificate it says that I'm not suppose to have any sort of stress to prevent escalation of seizures. I told them to read that, but you would have to know how to read . . .

Hope Fading Fast

I have been phoning the neuro and neuro surg's office every Monday and leaving messages (because there is no way a patient can talk to a real person - that would be empathetic) to find out when my surgery is. I figure since I found out this way when the first surgery was this way, since it is not their policy to inform the patient of this, I'd be lucky again to find out. No such luck. The last time I talked to the neuro surg's secretary, she'd said the last day of elective surgeries before x-mas was December 18th. It's getting pretty close now and I still don't have a date yet. I had more notice last time when I had to go out and find out what my last surgery date was. If I can't have this before x-mas, it looks like I'm going to be in the shitter life-wise and might have to pack it in here in Ottawa. I can't live this way by myself with me deteriorating so much. I don't really have alot of options beyond a few more months. I'm going to end up dead here at home if they let this go beyond January. I hope I get a call tomorrow, for a surgery date. Even then, they'll just cancel it anyways.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Not So Good . . .

These past couple of days have been disappointing to say the least. I went out to lunch with S and did a little bit of shopping. I started to get frustrated because I was embarrassed at the way I was communicating. I am losing that and it is hard. We went to a store and I got lost in it (it was Walmart, I would probably get lost in it on a good day) but I was already frustrated at my perceived lack of communication skills, and getting lost and I couldn't find S compounded the anxiety I felt. I thought everyone was looking at me with pity. It made me so sad. I got home and started unpacking a kitchen wall clock I needed and got so overwhelmed with the whole day, I put my fist through it. Cut up my hands bad. Then I stood over the sink and cried, watching the blood stream out of my hand and down the sink. I would have stood there forever too, but the dogs started getting really upset at what I was doing. I wrapped the hand up in paper towel, took an Ativan, and just went to the couch and pretended that everything was okay for the dogs. The blood stayed there all over the sink and the floor for 24 hours. That's what I have to say. I'm starting to give up. My parents can hear it in my voice. My dad says I sound different. I was getting up early and going to bed at a reasonable time, and now I am just sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping - without taking any of the Ativan. Today I had another seizure and that seemed to snap me out of it a bit. I feel a little better (hard to believe a seizure can make you feel better). Maybe I needed to hit bottom a bit to know that I can go down farther if I don't stick with being more positive.

Maybe what is stressing me out so much is noticing how my verbal communication skills are going down the tubes so much. I can write well and type still really well, but talking and thinking and talking really take alot out of me. I just know I need this to end soon, or there is going to be some long term effects.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Big Bad Blur


The past couple of days has been a big, bad blur. I have tried not to take the Ativan as needed, like I am supposed to. It is making me into a big, uncaring robot. One minute I am having a feeling that is not contentment, then I pop a pill, then it is on to the big grey room. As soon as I see a shade of pink or green, pop another pill, then back to the big grey room. I can't do that for the unspecified amount of time (possibly infinite) that I have been given. So I was trying to eliminate stress just by behaviour, meditation, thinking clear thoughts, etc. Doesn't work, because I am convinced my epilepsy-ravaged mind is purposely stirring shit. It creates seizures just to throw off a calm situation, then threatens me with others, just to get me more upset, etc, etc. I think that the epilepsy creature is typing alot of this now.

I'll get off the crazy talk now and update. Seizures have been stirring up again and rattling the cages. I get more upset when I have one after another after another and it just feels like they will never stop until I die. My mum got worried when she heard I had just had my third seizure in a day and I thought I was awaiting my fourth (which, thankfully, didn't happen) and now I have to call her everyday between 3 and 5 pm to make sure I am okay. If she doesn't get me, she has the number for work and she will call there to get someone to check up on me. I usually find this a little offensive coming from my sometimes-overprotective parental units that are stepping over the independence I have fought hard for and enjoy, but I am really thankful for it now that seizures are now stringing together three, possibly four together. That is dangerous and something I can no longer control outcomes of. I need this surgery bad. I think I might be finally suffering some brain damage because of this.

Today there were no seizures, but the damage from the past couple of days is lingering over into good days. I am crying over no reason at all. At all! Over no thought at all. Mum is talking to me, a fairly neutral, benign conversation, and I can hardly finish it. Too emotional. She asks me what is wrong. I tell her my brain is doing this and I'm not and I can't control it anymore. I didn't take an Ativan yet, so afterwards, I got up and took a 0.5 mg. I don't know if it is emotional stress, the stress of all the seizures, the situational stress, or the brain frying. Mum asked if I would rather talk on MSN. She wants to talk in that way because she can't hear half of the conversation because she's not talking on her deaf phone anymore.

I think my dogs are taking over because they believe I can no longer do the job. Really, the only thing I can do around the house without me fucking up or melting down are cleaning, cooking simple food, and sewing and quilting. That's it. I can no longer paint, I can read but not for long periods. I can talk to people but not for long periods of time. If I have to convey important information, it has to be written down and shown to people. I can type real well still but my writing skills have gone down the toilet. Typing is correctable and has spell check but writing a list, you can see all the incomplete thoughts, shortening words into indecipherable thoughts, etc.

I'm glad for ordering online for x-mas because there would be no way I could handle shopping in a mall or a crowd right now with my brain in such a mess. I still have mum and dad to order for and they are difficult to choose for on a good day. I have some thoughts on a post it note I wrote up over a month ago when I wasn't as bad so I might go for ideas like those. If I could buy for mum what is in my head right now, I think she would think I was crazy. Roomba, that robot vacuum cleaner. I could watch that thing all day. I know dad would want a scope or a new gun but I don't think anyone would want to sell that to a declining epileptic dying while waiting for her surgery. I'll end up on You Tube.

I hope my surgery is the first week of December. I hope it goes well with no complications. I hope I turn back into my old self within a week. I hope I don't have to dip into my savings to live. I hope I am never as scared, anxious and lonely as I am now. I hope Peanut and Latte are happy. I hope I get a new puppy after all the bullshit these arseholes have put me through. I hope everyone is happy. I hope everyone finds peace and happiness. I hope I read this in a couple of months and wonder what the hell was I thinking?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

News

I went to go see the neuro yesterday (it seems like last week - hard to believe it was yesterday)and he remarked on how I've declined. I told him I've lost vocabulary, memory recall, my anxiety is through the roof, hands shaking, seizures galore (23 in October, have had 5 in November already). He was asking why I was so stressed out - can you imagine, maybe I need a surgery and this will all go away! He asked if there were money issues - I said no - family issues - no - I told him I get really anxious to leave the house. Is it because you thing you're going to have a seizure outside the house? Duh! Look at the chances! I would love to take those chances to a casino! I told him I'm afraid I'm going to die. There, I said it. I'm afraid of dying before my surgery. Sad, but true. What else can I do? I'm in the same place as many others are - dying to have surgery and no way of moving up the list because I don't have an orthopedic surgery, cardiac surgery, eye surgery, or cancer surgery. Those are the priorities in Ontario now and they will use every last bed and OR space in the hospital to fulfill the provincial guidelines and the people like me can't wait another couple of months. I don't know how much longer I can hang on, but I still wait.

Peter and Robin came by today. Peter still walking stiff and in obvious pain, but looking well. Lost weight and he has become concerned about gaining it back. His burn dressing changes cause him alot of pain and his ribs still hurt quite a bit. He gets tired easily. Robin said that he was taking the two sick Marcottes out grocery shopping.

Mum is home by herself, Dad has gone hunting. She has confided in me that she thinks Dad is getting Alzheimers because he left the keys to the truck where he bought poppies and couldn't find them until the guy from the Legion brought them to him. I'm not sure if that is Alzheimers or that is Mum being funny. It's concerning though. Mum said to tell the neurosurgeon that if anything happens to me Mum and Dad will sue him! I've never heard her say anything so strong before about sticking up for me with doctors. Maybe she should come down here and hang out at their offices for me while I take an Ativan and wish to wake up when it is all over.

That reminds me . . . wake me up when this is all over. I don't want a bad dream like this again.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Personality Profile From Facebook

I read this personality profile from an app on Facebook, and even though most of them are just dumb little parlour tricks, this one actually hit me fair square on the nose. I thought I should elaborate, but you can't do much of that on FB.

Temperament - Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.

Me: How true. All of it. I don't think there is anything wrong with wishing for the most and the best for yourself. When I really want something, I work damn hard to make it happen, because no one is going to give it to you. I do have a problem with re-thinking choices I made in the past. I don't think I would want to change any of them - those choices made me the person I am today - but I do think about how I could have done something better, whether I should have said something, etc. What's done is done - but my mind has to rehash these things over and over.

Interests - Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we much be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.

Me - This is true. If I could live in a cabin in the woods at the end of a path with a well and a good vegetable garden with Peanut and Latte, I would be in heaven. I don't like to make big decisions based on what everyone else is doing. I like to think alot of what decisions we are making that impact the earth and environment and I always like to spread good karma so it can come back to me. Karma can be a bitch!

Amusement - Thoughful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self-reflective, you know your limits quite well and much remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.

Me - How true, it's hard to admit this to myself but it is kind of hard not to when I am so sick right now. You have to be self-reflective and know your limits when you are an epileptic. If you don't, you'll end up in some serious trouble or dead.

Passion - Traditional
Your notions about romance are viewed as unrealistic by many, but don't let that stop you. When you think of romance, you think of huge gestrues of commitment, sacrifice and love like we see in the movies. Flowers, chocolate, and wine are just some of the ways to your heart. You want to feel loved and treasured by your partner and you expect to be courted, admired and hotly pursued. You long for old fashioned dating.

Me - I think I believed this a decade ago, but have kind of given up on all this. I'm not going to get this ideal relationship and I am unwilling to settle for the "next best." My life can be perfect without this in my life.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Bitching About Oil


You'd think that with all the terrorist worries the US has, they would stockpile gas and oil more, but the stockpiles are steadily going down and their prices are going up. I don't know much about the mechanics of mercantile trading and futures, but that seems a little suspect. I understand that if the world price of something goes up, that means you can make more money because the price of your product goes up. Canada has its own oil reserves, but when the price of those reserves goes up because of overall stupid American policy, why not get into it? L invests in oil a lot and he is making money. I wonder if George Bush is padding his retirement by stirring shit all over the world and driving the oil price panic and using up all their stockpile. A little paranoid, I suspect, and I don't lose sleep over this, but you have to wonder . . .


I don't drive, but we as a people are so dependent on oil that as the price of gas goes up, even I feel it. I heat with oil, and that is a big bill, even if it is a high-efficiency forced air oil furnace. I really try to converve by keeping the thermostat low and wearing sweaters, closing the curtains at night, etc. I just started doing the curtains, I usually only close the blinds in my bedroom at night. Now I feel a little closed it, but cosy. It might be just my brain talking, but I think it does keep the heat in. The prices of deliveries, groceries, produce, and other essential things goes up. Travelling goes up. Oil is used to construct all plastics. I really try not to buy plastics but it is quite hard. I wish companies would start packaging things in less plastics and styrofoam. I wish that corn-based plastic would come down in price so companies would start using it more. I should go take my meds now.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Tonite, So Far

I find I can't blog on my desktop, I have to blog on my laptop. More intimate, more comfortable, less distractions, I don't know. At my desktop, I can look out the window, watch tv, the dogs bug me more, I am surrounded by all the stuff I should be doing. But using the laptop, I can bring it somewhere where there are less distractions, my studio, my bedroom, I also liked to use it in the summer in the backyard. That's not going to happen now, I'd freeze my arse - there's a distraction for ya, eh?

Peanut and Latte are taking over. I'm not sure if me being sick here at home for so long has anything to do with it. They are obviously seeing the majority of this and are concerned as much as their dog minds can understand. I know they know there is something definitely wrong, more wrong than before. Peanut never was a big listener. I think that is because she is so intelligent. She thinks that commands are optional, that they are suggestions that she'll get to when she is good and ready. Latte listens all the time and comes right away. She anticipates commands and sometimes will do something because she thinks that was what you were going to say, even though you were definitely not wanting her to do that at that time. But now they are asserting themselves more and more. Peanut trying to negotiate mealtimes WAY earlier than usual. She used to start begging for supper at 3-3:30 but would have to wait until 4:30-5. Now she is getting demanding at 1. At first, I thought this was a time change thing, but no, now she is thinking she will get away with it. They are taking the prime locations on the couch. They are taking the prime locations on the bed. I have always made them move, but now they keep pushing the envelope. I think I am the house help now.

I bought the little girls their x-mas presents today online. I call them my nieces, but they aren't really my nieces, their my cousins' children, but I like to think of them as such since that is the closest my parents and I will come to having little kids in the house. I was a big reader when I was younger (and obviously still am) and the books I loved I found online at Chapters. Oh, the Dr. Seuss books, of which if you get me started, I will still rhyme off, especially One Fish, Two Fish, or Green Eggs and Ham. I got the little baby her shower gift, but since she is being born so close to x-mas and I always thought that was so unfair in the presents for children born around x-mas, I also got her a x-mas present. I loved that little cuddly lamb that played music that I got Tracy's baby that I had to get another one.

I have my neuro appointment on Thursday, of which I will have to bottle my anger up for. I am so very angry that I have to wait so long for this surgery that will improve my quality of life so quickly. I have had to put my life on hold so many times. I tried to count how many times that epilepsy has done this, paused my life, interrupted my life, that when I come up with a number, I remember a couple more after that. These "interruptions" have led to some monumentous life changing decisions also. Now, here is my career on hold again. I wanted to change jobs at work too, like many others that I worked with for so long, and now I have to rethink that also, because who would want someone who has to take off for 3-4 months while doctors decide when they are going to fix her? School has been interrupted, university has been interrupted, I have changed jobs, changed cities, left boyfriends, had to go on sick leave 3 (I am now going to change it to 4 since I just remembered my long stint in Montreal and the Neuro Hospital) major times, all because of epilepsy. I haven't had kids because of epilepsy. I can't drive because of epilepsy. I can't travel because of epilepsy. I always thought that I was in control of my life, but it seems that I have never been in control at all. Anyone can say something positive, but flippent, like I always hear, but I guess when you have something in your brain that can change how neurotransmitters work, than that is your whole way of thinking and your life.

I just want to get back to my life, is that so much to ask?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Reading And Peeing


I am up reading in bed (quite often I guess) but I have been peeing every half hour all day today and it is not slowing down, so I have no idea how much I am going to sleep tonite. Started this book The Gathering, by Anne Enright, and now I have no idea why I bought it. I thought I bought it because it was nominated for the Giller Awards, but the author is Irish and I can't remember if I heard a recommendation, or what. Anyways, what has suddenly hit me that I had to grab my laptop (which doesn't really fit in a lap, does it?) and right this little thought from this one line in the first chapter that stuck in my head. I all-of-a-sudden thought this was so profound. I'm probably going to see this tomorrow and think this is so obscure or something. The line was "I do not know the truth or I do not know how to tell the truth . . . all I have are stories, night thoughts, the sudden conviction that uncertainty spawns." Isn't that so true? Sometimes I am asked about what someone said, or what happened, or how something went down and I find I am trying to explain it the best I can but is it really the truth, or my interpretation of the truth, and is that the truth? I really pride myself on being as truthful as I can - I'm not sure if I should get an award for this, because I think it is a personality fault - I can't help telling anything but the truth in most cases, and in other cases, truth is mostly stranger than fiction (at least in my life). Is it really the truth? Five different people from five different backgrounds can witness one event and give you five different accounts all very different from each other. I sometimes find that what I describe of an event might be my internal dialogue, or additions to the truth by my dreams replayed the night before and not actually the event but my rerun of the event dramatized, and this does lead to uncertainty of what actually happened.
Now I have to pee again . . .

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Breakfast Club




I really enjoy Breakfast Club. It keeps me up-to-date with some people I really enjoy working with while I am off sick. I also used to love going out for breakfast after working a night shift, and since I don't work nights anymore, it's a bit of nostalgia. The core group seems to be M, Batman, M, Robin, and "little girl" (J). We have a lot of fun together and I really enjoy being with these guys. They don't really harp on the negatives, but like to have fun as much as possible and still do the job. We only go once every nine days, it's when that group does their last night shift. M calls me the night before and tells me if I'm going, and then they call me at between 6:30 and 7:oo telling me to get up, their picking me up. I go in my pyjamies and I try to look a little presentable, but hell, it's 7:30 by the time we all get there, so who cares what anyone looks like? We do all a little laughing, we fill each other up on what we are doing, la-tee-do-dee-da. Breakfast is good because it is at Cora's. I just wish we could do this more often, or that everyone I work with was fun enough to join Breakfast Club.

Uneventful Day

Boring day today, which is probably a good thing. Did some cooking and got to use the juicer again (love it). I slept in this morning, but I was pretty tired out from yesterday, with Breakfast Club and going out with K. Nothing much else to report.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Addendum on Tired

If you can believe it, X-mas stuff was out in stores on October 30th. That was crazy. The X-mas commercials started today, from what I can see. That is insane.

Tired


I have been quite tired lately. I went out shopping with S. and it was great to get out with people. I felt really disoriented, but S. was aware of my situation since I work with her and did a really good job not making me feel retarded. We laughed about it and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel paranoid about going out of the house. But the trip out for a couple hours tired me out for a couple of days.


I saw a dog the other day. The dog was an older male beagle walking down the street during rush hour and no one hit it. I was worried and left the house in just the clothes I was wearing and tried to get him so I could save him. There was no apparent owner and he had a collar. He looked back at me and just took off. He ducked into a yard and disappeared. I know the yard and they have a fence, but when I went into the yard, there wasn't a dog there. I came back into the house and got dressed for the chilly weather and took Peanut and Latte for a walk around the block to try and find the dog. The neighbours around the block were outside at the time did not see the dog. There were workers at a house replacing gutters and they didn't see the dog either. The neighbour that I know has an older beagle was home and when I went to his house, his dog came to the door with him. The dog looked just like the dog I saw, except she was a female and the dog I saw definitely was a male. I keep wondering if I really saw the dog at all. Weird.