Tuesday, October 23, 2007

October 23rd, very early in the morning

I don’t even know why I am up this early. I’m not really “up” per se, but can’t go to sleep. I’m tired, my eyes drift off to close when I am reading my book, but when I turn out the light; the eyes become wide open and alert. I’ve taken all the required meds and . . . nothing. Here I am, documenting this not unusual phenomenon.

I can hear every noise in the house, from the fridge kicking on and off (I inadvertently left the door open a smidgen), to the small amount of traffic outside, to the ringing in my ears. My head is full of thoughts, thoughts that do not necessarily go together; do not lead to any ideas, just strings of words left open to nothing.

Peanut and Latte are sleeping, spread out on the bed, oblivious to my awakened state. Latte actually opened one eye as I left bed to come in here and type some thoughts, but I could see she promptly moved her body to take up even MORE real estate on the bed.

I don’t think it’s the book I’m reading, although it lends to some disturbing thoughts. I am reading The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman. It is a non-fiction-type book about what would happen to the world if humans suddenly left the earth. It doesn’t go into actually how this would happen - just a “what-if” scenario. Some things are hopeful, such as animals once deemed endangered or scarce, could again, multiply. Some ideas are a little disheartening, such as the petrochemical rich industrial areas of the Gulf Coast exploding and releasing a “nuclear winter”-type chemical barrage upon the earth. It sets itself up as a scientific look at an unusual premise, but when you get down to it, it becomes an environmental disaster book.

It wasn’t a very stimulating day, I wonder if that is the reason for all these fragmented thoughts. I sleep better when I make myself these “little projects” to keep myself occupied, but stress-free during the day. It is hard to balance the stress-free with the “keeping the sick girl busy” part of my day.

I was hoping these weeks leading up to this long awaited surgery would go faster, but it is not at the moment. Everyday feels like an eternity when you are on “home arrest.” I don’t think people realize how absolutely tedious this is, day in and day out. I can’t really go anywhere, do anything without worrying I’m going to have a seizure somewhere.

I’ll have to start planning better outlets for my frustration. I’ve run out of the ones I’ve been using. They are no longer working.

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