Sunday, October 28, 2007

October 28th, very early in the morning . . .

Overwhelmingly tired, that is how I feel this past 24 hours. Had seizure (s) during the previous night and then October 27th seem to pass in just 4 hours. I know I cooked some glazed turnups. I feel like I might just give up. No, I'll describe how I feel these past hours. I feel like a truck hit me, hard. I feel like I've had the crap kicked out of me by the seizure creature and it is standing over my beaten body lying on the ground telling me to get up and have some more. I am lying on the cold, hard ground and I am not going to get up. I have kept getting up in the past, but now I realize that that is just for suckers. I should just lie here and wait for the creature to just get bored and leave. I can't do this anymore. That's just how I feel today. I am using up too much energy getting up each time I am knocked to the ground. I should just lie here.

Friday, October 26, 2007

October 26th, 2007

I got my organic produce delivery today from Life Organic ( and I was very happy. The tomatoes were gorgeous, the leeks were huge, the carrots were heirloom, so their several different colours, and so on. So far, everything tastes fantastic and I'm quite happy with the delivery. The great thing is they deliver the produce in the Rubbermaid container, and 80% of the veggies are all loose, no excess packaging. The only thing that had any sort of packaging was the shrink-wrapped packaging that the mushrooms came in (the ones that you usually see in the grocery store), a small plastic bag that the kiwis came in, and a small plastic bag that the Asian greens are wrapped in. Made some potato and leek soup, yummy!

Didn't sleep much last night and woke up at the crack of dawn today. I maybe slept 4 hours. I don't know why. I can't remember any dreams, waking up, etc. Just didn't spend much time sleeping. I guess I'll make up for it tonite.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

October 25th, 2007.

Today is the day when I found out that epilepsy could actually put me in the poor house. I have in the past been off work for extended periods of time, but have been actually covered by work. But today, I ran against some of the most ineffectual, uncaring people that work in the hospital that are actually working in "human resources" and "occupational health." Well, they make me join a programme a couple of years ago, to be more compassionate with employees with disabilities, and that has gone out of the window. It's the hospital's fault I am on this extended leave, and yet they want me to sign up for EI and LTD now. That sucks. I'm just going to wait until Monday until my manager is actually there to answer a phone and deal with this. I'm supposed to be "stress-free" and the people that are telling me this are causing me the most stress - doctors that cancel my surgery and then tell me to remain as stress-free as possible and these hospital arseholes that want me to return to work "safely" by causing me this crap. Oh well, isn't that the manager's job?

Finished the book The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman. Although the premise of the book is imaginative, it really makes you think about what we have really done to the earth and how we can fix it. Some parts really make you think that all we have done has resulted in a hopeless situation, and some chapters really offer some hope. I have been watching the two part series on CNN, Planet in Peril and it has been giving me "environmental depression" also. It all seems so overwhelmingly hopeless, but when you read about some of the local victories, it gives you pause that if everyone just does their small part, a local victory can add up to big changes everywhere else.

Well, that is the end of the little bit of preaching today. I have never been good about that.

I had a rough day after a little oasis of good days. Had a big seizure this morning and has really made the rest of today pretty useless. Have a really bad post-seizure migraine and had to take some Maxalt, which has made me, or the migraine, really nauseated and dizzy. There goes 24 hours, right down the toilet. Autumn is my favourite month and I am seeing it through my window going by without anything from me. Not sure if Autumn really cares, but I do! I hope that this big seizure was just the result of having almost three seizure-free days, and I will return to having a few more days of feeling okay. I seem to do okay when I am quiet and remaining peacefully occupied with something busy but lame.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

October 24th, 2007

As promised, I've tried to remain busy. I'll summarize . . .

First, about a week ago, I found out that the man who runs the Neighbourhood Watch in our area did not want to do it anymore, and the Ottawa Police were going to take down our Neighbourhood Watch sign if no one wanted to take over. I phone the Community Police office for our area to see what could be done, not interested in taking over, but just to join to keep the sign. I guess the lady signed me up as the Coordinator, so now that's what I am. She gave me all the pamphlets to hand out to all the people on the block, so there is nothing really for me to do, but give out the stuff and go to a few meetings.

I also heard through the Ottawa vegetarian community that there were these farms that you could order organic vegetables and have them delivered directly from the fields to your door. I was so happy about this because the vegetables available in the grocery stores are crap, and the organic vegetables have come from Israel, and California and they spoil quickly. I don't really live close to the grocery store to be going every two days to the Market either and I don't drive. So this idea became a mission that I was going to sign up for this service. The best one that I heard was Bryson Farms at I went to their website and was impressed. This farm in Shawville grows all their own vegetables and they deliver year round. But when I signed up for the service, I was put on a waiting list. I think the problem is that they are one farm, supplying organic vegetables to restaurants and people. I didn't want to wait months to find out if I was going to be accepted. I was going to wait until I found about this place, This place has deliveries from smaller farms around the area and delivers them to your door, so they are more of a farm collective for the area. All their vegetables and fruits are organic. They seem to have more of a selection than Bryson because they deal with several different farms. They also have some farms from southern Ontario, but they tell you and label their vegetables from these areas as not local. I signed up for their service online, and was impressed with the lady on the phone telling me what fruits and vegetables were great quality and which ones they were not impressed with and weren't going to sell in their deliveries. They deliver the vegetables in reusable Rubbermaid containers and you pay a deposit for the containers but what an amazing environmental choice! I will get the deliveries every week, instead of going every two weeks to the grocery store, and organic fruits and vegetables right off the field will definitely last longer. The bill is about the same price I pay for organic vegetables at the grocery store (being vegan, I eat alot of veggies) and there is so much more selection and I won't be throwing out half of it in the compost heap as it goes bad. Can't wait for my first delivery on Friday!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

October 23rd, very early in the morning

I don’t even know why I am up this early. I’m not really “up” per se, but can’t go to sleep. I’m tired, my eyes drift off to close when I am reading my book, but when I turn out the light; the eyes become wide open and alert. I’ve taken all the required meds and . . . nothing. Here I am, documenting this not unusual phenomenon.

I can hear every noise in the house, from the fridge kicking on and off (I inadvertently left the door open a smidgen), to the small amount of traffic outside, to the ringing in my ears. My head is full of thoughts, thoughts that do not necessarily go together; do not lead to any ideas, just strings of words left open to nothing.

Peanut and Latte are sleeping, spread out on the bed, oblivious to my awakened state. Latte actually opened one eye as I left bed to come in here and type some thoughts, but I could see she promptly moved her body to take up even MORE real estate on the bed.

I don’t think it’s the book I’m reading, although it lends to some disturbing thoughts. I am reading The World Without Us, by Alan Weisman. It is a non-fiction-type book about what would happen to the world if humans suddenly left the earth. It doesn’t go into actually how this would happen - just a “what-if” scenario. Some things are hopeful, such as animals once deemed endangered or scarce, could again, multiply. Some ideas are a little disheartening, such as the petrochemical rich industrial areas of the Gulf Coast exploding and releasing a “nuclear winter”-type chemical barrage upon the earth. It sets itself up as a scientific look at an unusual premise, but when you get down to it, it becomes an environmental disaster book.

It wasn’t a very stimulating day, I wonder if that is the reason for all these fragmented thoughts. I sleep better when I make myself these “little projects” to keep myself occupied, but stress-free during the day. It is hard to balance the stress-free with the “keeping the sick girl busy” part of my day.

I was hoping these weeks leading up to this long awaited surgery would go faster, but it is not at the moment. Everyday feels like an eternity when you are on “home arrest.” I don’t think people realize how absolutely tedious this is, day in and day out. I can’t really go anywhere, do anything without worrying I’m going to have a seizure somewhere.

I’ll have to start planning better outlets for my frustration. I’ve run out of the ones I’ve been using. They are no longer working.

Monday, October 22, 2007

October 22nd, 2007.

Today wasn't all that bad. Didn't feel all there, but tried to make a go of it anyways. My neighbour is helping me with walking the dogs. I go and walk the dogs in the park around the block, tell her when I am leaving and if I am not back in a half an hour, she comes looking for me. It worked out fine. The dogs had a great time and Peanut had such a good time, she threw up in the park. Maybe that's because we haven't been walking very much.

I am watching "K-Ville" right now. The show is mediocre, but the white cop partner is hot. I can watch this guy all day.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

October 21st, 2007

I just finished spending a lovely afternoon (and I mean that) painting a 12x12 canvas that I am quite proud of (if I do say so myself). I usually start out with this grand idea, then get lost in the details, working concentrically with more sharp details, then more, then more, until I've totally lost control of the whole canvas and I am totally disappointed at the end. This time I stuck with the plan the whole way and created something I can be proud of.

Drank coffee all day, listened to some great tunes (from UltraChilled, vol 1 & 2), Peanut and Latte had some Dentabones and they "ultrachilled". I had no problems today in anyway, no seizures, no bouts of extreme tiredness, no stress, just turned out okay.

Now if only everyday could be this way . . .

Saturday, October 20, 2007

October 20th, 2007, part 2

So my upcoming surgery was canceled, after waiting 3 months for the last surgery date. It is frustrating that the new date in December (yet to be confirmed), I would have been back to work if they kept the original date (October 16th). Now, I'm probably looking at getting back to work in 2008.

I have a vagus nerve stimulator for my temporal lobe epilepsy implanted which really helps to assist the large amount of anticonvulsants I have to consume on a daily basis from having seizures on a frequent basis. I, unluckily, have a form of epilepsy that cannot be controlled by medication and gets worse as I get older. Who knows what the future brings? I just feel that I am going to keep bailing out this boat as long as I can until another boat comes floating along (what a strange analogy - it just came to me).

This stimulator stopped working last April. I didn't get an official appointment until July, when I was booked to see the neurosurgeon. The neurosurgeon said that he would probably do the surgery in August or September, but the date ended up being booked in October. I tried to work as long as I could, but with the amount of seizures I was having increasing, and the severity of them, I had to stop working in October. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was falling down the stairs to my basement and really bruising myself up (thankfully that is all I did) and my brother P's car accident. Stress is not something I need at this time.

Being a nurse, I should realize the limitations of the Ontario health care system, but I've never seen this being so bad, or maybe how it really affects quality of life. I had kept busy doing little jobs around the house but now that my head is a little more clouded, I wake up and all of a sudden the sun is going down, and I realize I haven't really DONE anything all day. Frustrating for someone who likes to be productive. I'm doing a lot of reading, painting (I am an amateur artist) and my house has never been this clean and organized. The dogs are happy with me home all day, but I think they are even bored now.

October 20th, 2007.

I began this blog because posting observations on Facebook became problematic. Just didn't fit right.

I got an e-mail from LQ, the lady who breeds Labradors, and she said that the dog that I originally wanted a puppy from is finally pregnant. I'm not going to get too excited, since the last time became a big disappointment (the dog didn't take the pregnancy and the other dog didn't give me a black female lab like I wanted). I had a name and was all mentally prepared for the puppy. I was so excited. This time, I'm thinking of naming the puppy Stella (again), Karma (a name that is already in use by another Labrador I know), Dharma, and Beatrix. I'm leaning towards Stella again. It just goes with a black lab so well. I hope I'm not disappointed again. I've had so many disappointments lately.