A little downturn . . .

I was half awake with a lot of wound pain and a fever all night. I might be pushing myself a little too much. I just finished working two shifts in a row, and maybe that is not such a great idea, but it really helps my psyche with this crap. I like putting my problems on the backburner and showing myself and my co-workers that this is nothing, that I can easily deal with this with humour and ease. But today is not such a good day. I feel really, really weak and shaky after last night. I took a T#3 for the pain this morning and am hoping it is helping with the feverish feeling. I have to walk to the nursing clinic and I am hoping I can do that with stubborn pride for myself at least. I thought Vanco and doxy could kill everything driving me down right now, but I guess this infection is going to take a lot out of me. I just wish this shit wouldn't just keep happening to me. I can only take so much before I break.

I have absolutely no appetite today except for coffee.

Trying to help out Lorne & Mich!

This is for Lorne & Mich, to try and get the web bots to find their site. They raise and sell beautiful birds.

http://www.mlaviaries.com/

Check them out so the web bots will find them! Their new site isn't being picked up by search engines yet.

This just hasn't all sunk in yet . . .

I really don't think my situation has sunk in yet. I think it sneaks in every once in awhile. I tear up every once awhile when I think about it, then I pocket it away when I realize what is going on. I try and find a way to make this all the "new normal" and take pride in making all of this just part of my everyday life. But how can you?

A picture of my new PICC line in my upper right arm.

I got a PICC line put in on Monday. Everything went fine, but I was nervous leading up to it. I had to spend most of the day at the hospital for the PICC line insertion, then going to the ID clinic for my first dose of IV Vanco and doxycycline. The IV Vanco took 90 minutes! I wish I had brought a book or something though, because the time went by soooo slowly. I have not felt like reading lately, but maybe I should start ordering some books and start on them. Home Care came and saw me and said that all my equipment would be coming to the house. It arrived shortly after I got home. Medical supplies have taken over my house. Boxes and boxes. The bags of IV Vanco have taken over the fridge. I have an annoying little CADD IV pump that is easy to use (I've already found out the code and adjusted the times), but is really a pain to lug around.

The home care nurses are supposed to come and attach the IV CADD pump, change the dressings and the idea is to leave the IV attached to the PICC line for 24 hours and it is supposed to give me my two 12 hour doses, plus a TKVO dose during the day, but I can't handle having the little blood pusher attached to me all day, so I disconnect it and flush my own PICC line so I can try and live as normal as possible. I don't think the home care nurses have a problem with this (that I have encountered so far), since they know what I do for a living and they are too busy as it is, but I am trying to work as close to the surgery date as possible (a date I have not gotten yet).

I worked one shift with the PICC line in and I gave myself the Vanco during evening shift. An arm warmer helped hide the existence of the PICC line very sufficiently. My great co-workers changed my PICC line dressing for me also.

I am really, really sad and frustrated at the fact that I had to stop running Sunday. The pain is too great and you can feel the ripping through the skin of the chest, no matter what I wear on top of it. I am replacing that with speedwalking, but it just not seem to be the same. I just hope I can start running as quickly as possible after all of this is done. I am trying to keep up my milage just the same, but of course it's going to drop from the last month (my highest month and weeks ever were just previous). I would like to keep myself above 30K no matter what.

This is how far the stimulator has come out since my last dressing change.

PS: I woke up with absolutely no pain this morning! *cross fingers, cross fingers* I can hardly believe it. It's such a beautiful day outside too. I am sooooo very tempted to disconnect myself from the IV and go for a run. Really. Later on this afternoon though, when the IV is done and my next dressing change is done, I might just get into my running clothes and do another speedwalk around the neighbourhood and see how it goes and maybe do a light jog if things remain the way they are. I am just feeling so wound up I could really use a run for sanity.

Fantastic weather . . .

It got up to 9 deg Celsius today so I had a great 9+K trail run. I wish I wasn't in so much pain though, I might have enjoyed it more. I'm going to have to take a hit and stop running trails and keep all the runs short and easy now because the pain is just too much right now.

Updated picture below. You can see the stimulator quite clearly now through my chest.

Where the runnin's at . . . .

Well, here in the middle of the sick cesspool, I tread water. I am determined to keep up the 100 day challenge (100 runs in 100 days) even through this health crisis mess that I find myself imbroiled in now. It's funny, how I look to the beginning of this blog, that my running started as a result of my last health emergency and it got me through that and made me a better person for it, and now I find running as a soliste to get through this one.

Today though, I pulled off 7+Km but I don't know how. The pain over the stimulator is insane right now. The small hole that all the drainage was coming out of has gotten bigger and you can actually see the stimulator through the hole in my chest pretty clearly. I don't know if the pain if from the drainage or the hole actually ripping, but it pretty much stops you in your tracks when you are running. Everything is pretty much bundled up pretty tight on my chest so there is no "bouncing" to aggravate the stimulator area, but I think the stimulator is doing its own bouncing in there in amongst its pool of filth that it is festering in. Uggh.

I promise to myself though, that if I do finally break this challenge, that I pretty much have to be dialing 9-1-1 while doing it. I have ran myself to the ER before though!

The New Verdict . . .

Went to see the Infectious Disease clinic guys and had an awesome talk with the MD there. I am to have a PICC line started on Monday first thing, get my first dose of Vanco, and get set up by the home care nurses bing, bang, boom. I will give my own doses, but I think they just want to arrange for my dressing changes and supplies.

The plan is to be on IV vanco and po doxy for two weeks, have the surgery to remove the stimulator but save the leads, go without the stimulator for about a month and continue with the IV meds, get reimplanted with the stimulator, continue with the IV antibx, until officially clear. That is awesome!

Here is the newest pic (warning to Joanne at this point . . . . )

The Verdict . . .

Well, the VNS is infected. There is a pocket of infected buggy fluid around the VNS. I get to see the Infectious Disease team the first thing next week to talk about nuking the bugs and the VNS will 99% have to come out. Actually, I was told the thing was coming out, but I am holding on by my fingernails that it might get to stay in, but I won't be taking any chances anyway. I will have to get a PICC line and get IV antibiotics until that can happen and afterwards. I am really hoping at least the wires can be left in an an attempt at a reimplantation can be made somewhere down the line, but this all doesn't look good and I might have to accept that.

It was the worse news possible I could hear. I am actually taking it as well as can be expected, because I am trying not to look down the line at my future. One step at a time is all I can take right now.

I am sooooo grateful for the support of my family and friends. It takes some of the everyday stressors that you have to worry about with such a burden so much easier. I won't have to worry about Peanut, Latte or Stella or anything like that.

I plan on working right through the PICC line and antibiotics crap, but I obviously will not be able to work after the surgery and the post op period. Hopefully, I can get back ASAP after that post op stuff is over (I am hoping 4 weeks, but they let you back after 6 weeks). but that might not be up to me. I really hate how Occ Health would want to keep me out longer.

My running milage this week has been fantastic. I've been under so much stress since this has started and running long has really helped the stress and thinking about everything. I hope I can continue running for as long as possible, but I don't know how much I will be able to do after the surgery. I will probably keep up with walking though, until cleared for running.

Another update . . .

So the below pictures with an explanation of what has been actively going on these past couple days was e-mailed to my doctor (the great one) and he answered me right back, telling me I needed an urgent neurosurgery appointment right away and he'd get back to me. I knew this was coming, but when the sudden realization of what was going on came upon me, I got all shaky and felt sick to my stomach. I then went for a run.

Running is great. It was in the rain and almost soul cleansing. Unfortunately, when I came back, I get a voice mail saying my doctor wanted me to report to ER right away and I was to have a neurosurgery appointment (with a different surgeon than the first one) on Friday. Things are finally moving fast, but it is very overwhelming and I am not handling it very well. I have decided not to report to ER tonite, but will first thing in the morning. I have theatre tickets for tonite and we are going out to dinner and I want to have fun and forget this stress first.

VNS update . . .

Gross . . . its so crappy when you're own body grosses you out. The ulcer over the stupid VNS on my chest has broken over a slight amount and there is this beautiful drainage coming out of it. Lovely. I'm totally disgusted with it. It just makes me sick to look at it that it has come to this. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and my jaw was clenched together so hard, my jaw felt sore. I wondered what would have done that, since pain usually does that and I figured I would have woken up to a pain that great and I woke up with just the throbbing in my chest that has been there for almost two years. Its sad that I am totally used to that pain. I wonder if that is what was the pain. I dunno.
I can't go to the doctor right now. I have no one to look after the dogs. I have to work. I have to run. And now this thing has chosen the most content I have been in a long time to attempt to come out of my chest like a little alien. I am so pissed off about this. Uggh. How long can I go trying to forget this is happening to me? At least until next week? I hope I have that long.

PS: The image is not of my actual breast. This is the lump the VNS has made underneath the tissue above the breast. Its like I actually have three lovely boobs. Uggh. That is actually drainage coming from the ulcer site. It is clear (thankfully) with a yellow tinge to it (for all my nursing friends).

Update on the VNS . . .

So where the VNS is in my chest, there is now a little ulcer directly on top of the skin above where the stimulator is coming out of the chest. The red area is larger and visibly gets larger everyday. It makes me sick just looking at it. I have a dressing overtop of it, but it now just is always throbbing. Uggh. I hope I don't have to wait much longer for this to be resolved. I also don't want surgery to interrupt my running too much. I just don't know what to do about this. I wish this did not need to happen at all. I wish it would all just go away.